Monday, July 13, 2015


I thought I was over the fertility issues. BAM!

I have had weird bleeding for awhile. Analysis found a big cyst in my ovary. 2 months later and it is bigger.

I am scheduled for surgery and they are taking out the 'bad' ovary and both Fallopian tubes to stop the problem.

I am in pre-op and it hits like a rock. I will never get lucky and get pregnant. I will never have a child with my DNA. Damn.  No more pregnancy tests. No more hoping in the back of my mind.

It feels bleak without hope.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Keeping it all together

My moods tend to oscillate between joy and despair, and I haven't been feeling like what I have to say will really affect the world in any specific way.  Sometimes I wonder why I even bother blogging since I haven't really found a compelling voice that keeps people coming back.

I am struggling to find balance. I know I should eat healthy.  I know I should exercise regularly. I know I should be consistent. I know I should be a role model to my daughter and "not let myself go". I know I should play with her and do her hair and be there for her.  I know I should put my heart into my work.  I know I should change my priorities at work and be the corporate automaton.  My focus should always reflect on the company's profitability. Not people. Not teams. Continuous improvement in the context of profitability.  I should have dates with my husband, get my hair and nails done, plan amazing birthday parties, coordinate family trips back home to both countries. I should meditate every day and feel my life's purpose & feel like I am fulfilling my purpose. I should have direction and work towards it. I should be polite to everyone.  I should be more flexible. I should be more rigid. I should follow the rules. I should break them.  I should have been boundaries and have my shields up.  I should catch up on the news, and the new movies, and the TV shows everyone is watching.  I should read more - especially non-fiction. I should be able to talk about the literary meaning of everything.  I should do my best every day.  I should worry more. I should worry less.  I should question things more. I should make judgement about what things mean to the world.  I should find my voice and use it.  I should tell my family about how alcoholism in the family affects me.  I should tell my family how I don't want to be around alcoholism openly.  I should talk to my family how domestic violence is not the answer. I should not be judged and "hated on" when I try to express these views. I should get some respect. I should be happy and grateful for what I have.  I should thank god every day for everything.  I should be a good friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister, child, colleague, leader, manager, coach, and global citizen.  I should have more energy. I should sleep more.  I should help out around the house more. I should do the gardening in the yard. I should sit outside and drink wine and watch life go by.  I should listen to the voices in my head and tell the obnoxious ones to ef-off.  I should prioritize music in my life and dance.

Today is actually a good day.  I didn't work out, but I am eating healthy.  I am being a coach, a mother, a mentor, an executor, and a troubleshooter.  I did my daughter's hair for crazy day and made her breakfast. I am planning my work around surgery my husband is having next week & preparing to be super mommy/super wife.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Sick Kid - #microblogmondays

It's Monday and my baby woke up hysterically crying, coughing and not interested in eating her daily oatmeal. It was definitely not a normal morning but she didn't have a fever so we sent her to school.

At 1:30 the school called and said she just wasn't feeling well, didn't have a fever and could we come pick her up. I was ready to drop everything and rush home but my hubby called back within 5 minutes and told me he had it.

I get home at 6 and she is still coughing and has a 100.3 degree fever. My poor baby. She never gets sick. Ever. Even when she had the flu before Christmas she bounces around like a maniac and fools the best of doctors.

She is lying listlessly on the couch. I am trying to snuggle and decontaminate at the same time.  Oof.

Feel better, Little Bit.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Scrum baby - #Microblogmondays

I took the most awesome course last week which was both a life changer for work but also has the potential to be a life changer in my personal life. It is called the Certified Scrum Master course (yes - scrum like rugby) and it is an applied methodology for living an agile life (ok - really it is applied to software development frameworks but seriously, it has the potential to apply to pretty much any situation). 

It is the anti-waterfall methodology for life. Instead of mapping out the details of everything you want to do at the beginning of any project, you set the high level vision of where you want to be. Then, during each sprint (1-4 week period), you prioritize your goals for the sprint, make sure each team member has to be successful and start the clock. The goal is to achieve fully working outputs in small bits, check with your stakeholders along the way, and deliver exactly what is needed. We tend to get stuck in the weeds very early in the project and spend way too much time on stuff that just doesn't matter & that we don't really need.

How much baggage do you have in your life (and job) that you do because you have always done it that way? What if you could cut that stuff out and focus on the real value?! It is so empowering.

At work, my job is the 'scrum master' which means I will be getting stuff out of people's way so they can be as successful as possible. I love it. I was born to solve problems. Woot woot.

At home, I will likely be alternating between the product owner and scrum master. And sometimes the team member. We could decompose tasks for the house into the product backlog and see if we work more efficiently this way. Maybe big tasks won't be so daunting. You know. So I never start. 

Check it out!  Http:://

If you could be agile in your life, what would you do differently?

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Monday, March 23, 2015

... and today's hat is ... #MicroBlogMondays

I was on stay-cation for the last week, and this morning I returned back to work.  Everything is different when I am working.  I get up at 4:50 in the morning so I have time to work out and meditate.  I rouse the family from their beds & let the cats in from their adventures.  I have to shower, find work appropriate clothes, apply makeup, style my hair. I have to get lunches ready and put breakfast is on the table.  I commute at least 25 minutes (unless there is a 3 lane pileup on the way, and then it takes an hour).  Just to be in the office by 8:00 feels like such a production, and then I turn on the computer and have the hundreds of messages waiting for me to take action.  And I have to remember who I was before I took that vacation.  I am still struggling, and it is noon.  Crazy!

I really loved wearing the mommy hat last week.  Sofie learned to balance and ride her bike.  We went to the top of the world (the Spindletop Hyatt) and explored art galore.  We ate gelato and skateboarded.  We rode amusement park rides, baked cookies, went to a coffee shop for hot cocoa and friendship, woke up late, and watched cartoons in the morning.  We had a picnic and a sleepover.  I love these happy days.

The transitions between my hats are hard.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Spring break - #MicroBlogMondays

Hello All Y'all! It's spring break!

I love the murals that are being put in the Heights and around the town. It's not all concrete jungle.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Most fun toy for little girls ever - #MicroBlogMondays

After my deep connection with the universe occurred last week through meditation, a nasty virus took hold of me and I have been grounded ever since.  I am back to work on day 6 of the plague (feeling a lot better) and trying to function today.  I was drawing a blank for my post, until I remembered the super-amazing-awesome toy that my husband found for Sofie this weekend.

It is called the "Flutterbye Flying Flower Fairy" (say that 10 times fast) and it is a remote control helicopter for 5 and 6-year-old girls (and 40-something year old women). The hardest part of using it (unless you get a defective one - the first one we bought had an issue; we exchanged it) is waiting the 25 minutes for it to charge up.  Oh, and the Fairy does fly like a kamikaze pilot but so does my Sofie.

Playing with the fairy is like having a bag of pixie dust for a friend.  Cosmic.  Why did we not have these in the 80's???

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.