Friday, May 30, 2014

Healing & reason

Well, it's been about four weeks since I had the tragic fall. I am still not walking, and I am still not working. The days span for endless hours every day, and I am waiting for the enlightenment. Why have I gotten hurt? What was I supposed to learn? Why won't the pain stop? I just do not understand.

I usually think that things happen for the best. Maybe I don't understand the reason why now, but the reason will show itself to me later. The universe is supposed to be unfolding with perfect order and truth. And here I sit unenlightened. Alone. A burden on my family. Needy. It kills me. Everyone I know is working. Everyone I know has a life. And here I sit.

At the beginning, my friends  were very available to me. And one by one that interest has waned. It's not much fun to hang out with a cripple. I won't be able to drive for several months. We just finally got a handicap parking sticker for the car so that when my husband drives me to different appointments, we can park in the handicapped spaces and be able to get me on my wheelchair. We've been trying to park in normal spaces and it has been very challenging when people park next to the car. Anyway I'm getting off subject.

I am healing. My ankles are much stronger than They were a month ago. Resting all day is supposed to be good for me.

It's just hard to be vulnerable. It's hard to put myself out there. It's hard to know I'm not invincible. It's hard to know I can't do it all. That there are limits. Maybe that's what I was supposed to learn. Time will tell.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The misstep

I don't know if you heard what happened to me as I was standing on a street corner going out to dinner with my husband and Sofie. It was a beautiful evening, about 76° and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. We were waiting for the crosswalk to turn green and my heel slept on a little bump on the wheelchair ramp, and my foot folded and cracked. I try to save myself with the other foot but crashed to the ground. I made a noise and felt pain. I knew something was very very wrong and people rushed to my aid - both strangers and the couple who were supposed to meet for the first time.

When I got to the hospital, I learned I fractured one ankle in three places and sprained the other ankle tearing the ligaments from the bone. It was a disaster. I was hospitalized for a week (and has surgery). I came home a few days ago to a changed world.

I am unable to walk on either leg. I will be in a wheelchair for the next 3 to 4 months. I'm living on the first floor of our house with a porta potty, a wheelchair and a hospital bed. I've been told that I won't be able to drive for at least four months so I will be housebound for quite a while. It's unbelievable.

Sofie seems to have taken it in her stride. She accepts that mommy has a broken leg and she gives me extra special hugs and kisses. My husband has resigned himself to the fact that I need assistance for everything from going to the bathroom to changing where I sit. We have a half bath on the ground floor and I will not be showering/bathing for 4 months. He will pick up the shopping, cooks clean and arrange our day-to-day activities, and I feel so guilty that I'm unable to achieve anything.  The days with a sponge bath are the exciting ones. Actually, moving from bed pan to porta potty was my biggest achievement to date. It is a new world.

My friends have been outstanding. I am so incredibly grateful to those who have provided words of encouragement, who have come to visit me, who have sent their love and prayers across the world. I wouldn't be able to make it through without you. I found out that you can pay for nurses to come and visit your house, or physical therapists, or friends, and I think it must be so incredibly sad for people who don't have the incredible infrastructure that I have. I say a little prayer for these people now each evening knowing how hard it to survive.

As I sit here I really am wondering what I should be doing with this extra time. In a way it's a gift. I was wishing that I had more time to spend with my husband and Sofie, and I was wishing I had time to read books and spend more time on me. I never would've imagined that I could hurt myself so badly so easily and that I would be off for such a long period of time.

Should I be meditating? Should I be painting? Should I be playing music?or organizing my life? Should I be working on adopting another child? Writing a book? Scouting for jobs?

I really don't know the answer. I've gotten a lot of suggestions and none of them ring true. I have a vast blank canvas with multimedia and paints and brushes standing at attention. The light is perfect. The view is perfect. And I am blocked.

The answer should be clear and yet I find myself paralyzed on the edge of the abyss.

It is hard to really say what impact this is going to have in my life. I hope I'll keep my job. I hope I have the means to pay for this accident.

It is very hard to understand why did I get so hurt and why I'm having these issues. It's really astounding that such a minor fall could produce such extravagant results.

What am I projecting to the world that would reflect the collapse of my body?