Any exercise plan is risky for me with my multiple time blown out knees, broken ankles (both), twisted ankles, dislocated ankles, lower back issues, neck issues, shoulder issues, tendinitis, and COPD.
At the beginning of 2016, I had gotten a membership at a gym near work, and I would work out at lunch time that year. Then I broke my ankle and paused it.
After I finished up PT, I tried to resume but by then, I had a new manager, and he really liked lunch meetings or 1:00 meetings. Then, we added team members in India, and suddenly my schedule wasn't working. I tried getting to the gym by 5:30 in the morning and working out, but getting up at 4:45 to be out the door by 5:00 to get to the gym by 5:30 didn't work. We also had a lot of behavioral issues at home because Sofie really needed to see me before school to feel secure. I tried working out after work, and I started getting home at 7 pm which was way too late, and (again) I would end up missing out on my Sofie time. I gave up in July.
After that I tried walking (and Houston in the summer is BRUTAL). I had been trying to walk 10k steps per day, and I wasn't getting the satisfaction from it that I expected. Also, it was REALLY hard to get home before dark after daylight savings, and I can't walk alone in the dark in my neighborhood. If we had a dog I could, but the hubby is so anti dog.
I started body building again a few weeks ago when I got a clear message from the universe. I was feeling down and like my life and health were out of control, and it was a way for me to feel strong and like I achieved something during the week.
I looked up my old trainer from my crossfit days, and I found out she is coaching at a gym that is location friendly. She was willing to work a deal with me so I could afford to workout 3 times a week in group training sessions, and I was elated.
The first visit was so exciting, I was high for days. I had forgotten the rush of lifting. I didn't sleep that first night. Of course I was being a bit cautious, but I discovered I hadn't lost that much strength since summer and I was still strong. I did a back/chest day and it was amazing. Then I did a leg/core day, and I was so strong & stable. The next week, the program changed (we are doing 3 week program progressions), and we do chest/shoulders, arms/back, legs/core and it was fine. I get 'medical' massages every couple of weeks and she broke up the fascia just fine. Then this week, everything started to get out of whack. I used to struggle with my hips and keeping my sacrum aligned, and I had a little flair. Then my feet started to really hurt. I did a lot of ankle stretching to try to loosen things up. Then, on Thursday, I had been sitting at my desk too long, I guess, and when I tried to walk to the car to head home, I had major knee instability. I haven't had knee problems in years (*knock on wood*). Also my lower back/hips felt super tight.
I came home and I lay on a foam roller for a few minutes. I did butt stretches and runner stretches and hip realignment exercises. I did lower back exercises. I stretched my calf someone. I stretched the hamstrings and the quads, and I still felt scared trying to walk down the stairs when I got home. I ended up going to my evening workout session, and it worked out the back stuff but my knee was still a wildcard.
This morning was leg day, and I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I almost chickened out. I went anyway and did a bunch of clamshells to warm up since a lot of the muscle stability in your knee is related to your hips and ankles. I mentioned to the trainer I was having issues, and we worked out a new program for the day. By the end, my knee felt better than it did before we started for sure. After 8 hours, I have stiffened up again on my knee, and I am starting to feel my hammies and quads a bit too much.
I want to be strong and fit, but challenging myself or doing too much cardio tends to lead to injuries. I will continue to walk the line with this, but it is hard. and scary. and I don't want to be hurt anymore. and I want to lose at least 100 pounds but my metabolism is pretty much dead. Sometimes it feels pretty hopeless. People see me and they think I am slovenly and lazy because I am so overweight. I wish it could have been different. I will keep trying to conquer this.
Saturday, December 2, 2017
Monday, November 27, 2017
Long time - busy mommy - taking a deep breath
It has been such a long time since I did any blogging. Life just rushed by. Our personal computer died, and we didn't really feel the need to get a new one for a long time. Now we have invested in a little refurbished chromebook that I thought would become my writing computer. I am going to try to write more often.
There has been a lot of growing on in the last few years. We have struggled with attachment and a "mild" case of reactive attachment disorder. I have broken both of my ankles and had major health issues. Work has been tough in a very deflated market with round after round of layoffs of friends and coworkers. We survived a tough time in our marriage.
Where I am today - I am still working full time as an IT project manager. My project isn't as busy as it was, and it hasn't been providing the satisfaction it once did. I might be up for a promotion or lateral move one of these days. I have worked hard to limit my working time to less than 50 hours a week. My natural tendency is to work 10-11 hour days. I learned to stop checking work emails incessantly at home. I am working closer to 45 hours a week which is way better.
Our daughter is very busy with extracurricular activities like a.mer.ican ni.nja warr.io.r training and hiphop. She is also a skateboarder and loves to run around and play. My husband has transitioned to the role of dad finally. I accepted that my husband is the nurturer and the traditional 'housewife' role. It was super hard.
Looking back, I realized that we were all struggling with a lot of acceptance. Being a mother was awesome and wonderful, but I didn't know how to adjust & accept that as a working mother I couldn't do it all. My husband had to learn that he was a great dad and that his heard had infinite capacity to love. Sofie had to learn to accept us, learn to trust us, learn that we weren't going to give her away even if she acted like a maniac. We were all desperately trying to cope and love and give, and none of us felt like we were really doing it well I think.
These days, I still don't think I would win any mom of the year awards - i am a b.a.d mo.m kind of mom - but I do my best to be engaged. I know that my daughter needs to see me both in the morning and at night to have a good day (5 am workouts at the gym won't work). I know that I need to spend a little bit of time with the hubby each day for a check in and cuddle. I know that I need to have quiet time where I am allowed to check out. I need to read great fiction. I also remembered in the last 2 weeks that I LOVE weight training, and I need to do that a few times a week to feel the endorphin rush & to feel strong & to feel like I did something that day. So much of my life is spent shepherding around different people who may or may not do what I need them to do. I don't get to contribute as an individual contributor on many things, and if nothing gets done, I found myself feeling like a failure for the day. I also know that I need to get massages every couple of weeks so I don't get hurt. And I know I should avoid stepping in holes or wearing high heels. On weekends, I get to hang out a lot more with the family and do family activities. I feel like I should spend a lot more time planning structured things to do with Sofie, but I try to keep my eye out for opportunities to do things we can do together (like painting or baking or decorating).
Last week I had an amazing pre-Thanksgiving girls day planned, where we went to a painting & wine (without the wine) for a family paint-a-unicorn day. Then we were supposed to go out for lunch, maybe go rock climbing, and make Thanksgiving pies. Well, when we got to the painting place she was excited, but I forgot about her perfectionist tendencies and she managed to get all worked up about a line not being perfectly straight and had a little mini tantrum with the other families who were trying to paint. She demanded we leave, and she was really annoyed that I wouldn't go. At the end of it, she finally sucked it up and finished a painting (as did I), but she was still pissed that mine looked better than hers. I was FRAZZLED. Then we went to go get lunch, and I went to a hot dog place and she didn't like it. By that time, I was pulling my hair out. I decided rock climbing was out, and we went to the store to pick up borax for some slime recipe that was sure to work (since her last 3 attempts without were a failure). We made the slime and she was finally happy. I really imagined an easy day, and it was anything but easy. Hubby was annoyed that I bought glitter to put in the slime because it gets EVERYWHERE, but I figured a little glitter was going to make the day better.
I guess being a mom is accepting where we all are and trying to make the best of it anyway. Knowing that there is no such thing as a perfect mommy daughter day is a hard pill to swallow. I know I don't remember all the trials that I put my mom through. I guess it could have been just as hard for her as it is for me.
It is so hard not being perfect. And it is hard not being able to control situations. Accepting that the only thing I can control is my reaction to events is a constant challenge.
So, here is my first post in a few years. Hello. Comment if you want. I don't know if anyone is even reading any more. I hope you are having a good one.
There has been a lot of growing on in the last few years. We have struggled with attachment and a "mild" case of reactive attachment disorder. I have broken both of my ankles and had major health issues. Work has been tough in a very deflated market with round after round of layoffs of friends and coworkers. We survived a tough time in our marriage.
Where I am today - I am still working full time as an IT project manager. My project isn't as busy as it was, and it hasn't been providing the satisfaction it once did. I might be up for a promotion or lateral move one of these days. I have worked hard to limit my working time to less than 50 hours a week. My natural tendency is to work 10-11 hour days. I learned to stop checking work emails incessantly at home. I am working closer to 45 hours a week which is way better.
Our daughter is very busy with extracurricular activities like a.mer.ican ni.nja warr.io.r training and hiphop. She is also a skateboarder and loves to run around and play. My husband has transitioned to the role of dad finally. I accepted that my husband is the nurturer and the traditional 'housewife' role. It was super hard.
Looking back, I realized that we were all struggling with a lot of acceptance. Being a mother was awesome and wonderful, but I didn't know how to adjust & accept that as a working mother I couldn't do it all. My husband had to learn that he was a great dad and that his heard had infinite capacity to love. Sofie had to learn to accept us, learn to trust us, learn that we weren't going to give her away even if she acted like a maniac. We were all desperately trying to cope and love and give, and none of us felt like we were really doing it well I think.
These days, I still don't think I would win any mom of the year awards - i am a b.a.d mo.m kind of mom - but I do my best to be engaged. I know that my daughter needs to see me both in the morning and at night to have a good day (5 am workouts at the gym won't work). I know that I need to spend a little bit of time with the hubby each day for a check in and cuddle. I know that I need to have quiet time where I am allowed to check out. I need to read great fiction. I also remembered in the last 2 weeks that I LOVE weight training, and I need to do that a few times a week to feel the endorphin rush & to feel strong & to feel like I did something that day. So much of my life is spent shepherding around different people who may or may not do what I need them to do. I don't get to contribute as an individual contributor on many things, and if nothing gets done, I found myself feeling like a failure for the day. I also know that I need to get massages every couple of weeks so I don't get hurt. And I know I should avoid stepping in holes or wearing high heels. On weekends, I get to hang out a lot more with the family and do family activities. I feel like I should spend a lot more time planning structured things to do with Sofie, but I try to keep my eye out for opportunities to do things we can do together (like painting or baking or decorating).
Last week I had an amazing pre-Thanksgiving girls day planned, where we went to a painting & wine (without the wine) for a family paint-a-unicorn day. Then we were supposed to go out for lunch, maybe go rock climbing, and make Thanksgiving pies. Well, when we got to the painting place she was excited, but I forgot about her perfectionist tendencies and she managed to get all worked up about a line not being perfectly straight and had a little mini tantrum with the other families who were trying to paint. She demanded we leave, and she was really annoyed that I wouldn't go. At the end of it, she finally sucked it up and finished a painting (as did I), but she was still pissed that mine looked better than hers. I was FRAZZLED. Then we went to go get lunch, and I went to a hot dog place and she didn't like it. By that time, I was pulling my hair out. I decided rock climbing was out, and we went to the store to pick up borax for some slime recipe that was sure to work (since her last 3 attempts without were a failure). We made the slime and she was finally happy. I really imagined an easy day, and it was anything but easy. Hubby was annoyed that I bought glitter to put in the slime because it gets EVERYWHERE, but I figured a little glitter was going to make the day better.
I guess being a mom is accepting where we all are and trying to make the best of it anyway. Knowing that there is no such thing as a perfect mommy daughter day is a hard pill to swallow. I know I don't remember all the trials that I put my mom through. I guess it could have been just as hard for her as it is for me.
It is so hard not being perfect. And it is hard not being able to control situations. Accepting that the only thing I can control is my reaction to events is a constant challenge.
So, here is my first post in a few years. Hello. Comment if you want. I don't know if anyone is even reading any more. I hope you are having a good one.
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