Saturday, October 20, 2012

They threw a fungus ball at me, exploding into pieces

I read through my last post, and it is no wonder that I came down with a cold/flu thing halfway into my trip in Paris.  I did leave the hotel twice by the way (walking to/from) dinner.  I did not eat meat.  I did have a bit of cheese, a lot of spicy mustard, bread, and quasi vegetarian fare. Granted, they did bring me fish one of the days for my meal... I went to the salad bar and got beet salad.

The hours were long. The plane ride home was excruciating and I have slept more than 48 hours in the last 36. I have the best husband in the world who babied me when I got home. Our daughter has been super duper too.  She seems to have grown another inch and a half since I left - all her pants are way too short.  I am very lucky that I got to collapse on the most beautiful day ever (72 degrees, dry and sunny... Don't know if my boss really believed I was sick... It was the most beautiful day in the world to be sick).

And so I hack and snort and sneeze. Some of the websites say it is all the toxins I have consumed and failed to release since I wasn't sleeping and eating well.  I am kind of not surprised if that is so.  Lots of snot.

There was a Liverpool game on today, and I made construction paper jack-o-lanterns with Sofie during the game. I feel like I did my part, as inadequate as it was.  Now, the hubby is shopping for some sort of dinner... He took her to a birthday party at old McDonald's farm this morning... And I am just lying here, hacking away.  ok, I have not done my share. We are missing a live soccer game this evening because I am sick ... Bummer. I had been looking forward to it all month.  I always resent those people who go to work/functions/sporting events/symphony/etc sick because they share with everyone. I need to be ready for Madonna on Thursday and my friends' visit in the weekend.

Come on healing.

Friday, October 12, 2012


Being the bread winner and a mom is really hard.  This week blew because I worked 13 hours a day and barely got to see my little girl & family at all.  It is budgeting time and planning time for next year, and everyone has expectations.  My colleague and I had worked out our plans months ago, and my boss rescheduled a bunch of crap this week & double booked us.  We had to do the other stuff too because the world at large was depending on us to deliver and I didn't want to let them down.  Oh yeah, and we went commercial on a year long development and yeah, there was unexpected downtime.

Our work barely coincides with the other team members and I really resent that I have to sit around for 13 hours in a row for 3 days consecutively to hear more about other people's stuff that needs to be enhanced.  The intersection is narrow and could be covered in a 30 minute overview.  Last week I was left out of a meeting that is going to be pivotal for future developments, and ...  I am consumed with work.

I barely know who I am this week.  I don't enjoy 13-14 hour days.  I miss my family.  I miss having friends.  I miss hanging out and drinking wine.  I miss writing.  I miss meditating. I miss eating healthy. I miss exercising.  I thought I had figured it out and then this week blew in like the witch from the north.  Crap-ass lunches were brought in every day which were full of processed stuff and there was no alternative.. ok the alternative was water, but for a 13 hour day, it just doesn't cut it.

Next week will be more of the same since we are headed to Paris for more requirements.  I wonder if it is possible to visit Paris for 3 days and not leave the hotel.  I am afraid that is my future.

I wonder if it is possible to go to Paris and not eat meat/fish/cheese/bread/pastries.  I know, I know.  Who would want that?  I am a lunatic.  I know there is a mini-prix across the street from the hotel and was contemplating buying fresh fruit & veg and smuggling it in the conference.

I don't even know where my winter coat is... It is still summer here, you know?  It was only 90 degrees here today and the humidity was only like 70%.  Bliss.  I say this as if I actually experienced it (lie).  I did see it from outside the window, and they reported the high on the news on my way home when I tried to leave early (left at 5:30... started at 7:15... ).  It was a nice short day.  Hardee har har.

I am really torn.  The work is exciting, challenging, and completely having the potential of being bleeding edge.  I could lose myself in it and 10 years would go by.  I was waiting for a job like this for 6 years.

I was waiting for Sofie for 12.

I was waiting for the hubby for 22.

Where is it?
I think I have it in my fingertips, and then it flies away
a mirage
I never really had it
I drank sand and ate rocks
I felt the pleasure but withered away to nothing in a second
A ghost for a moment
holding my paper dreams.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

10 months?!

Time is flying by.  We have just passed the 10 month mark, and I can't believe we are so close to a year.  We have been so lucky with everything, and every day is better than the past. Sofie is amazing. She is our daughter. Sometimes I still boggle that she is mine. I wonder if parents who have their own children have the wonder (and denial) that this little person is their's.   Her language continues to develop. She is learning to write at school (at 3?!). She is so much fun, dancing, singing, golfing, watching football, etc. she has an active imagination. She is amazing, and I am so lucky to have been matched with her.

During the waiting part of the process, it was a beast. I couldn't ask for anything more. I am blessed. Thank you to the universe. I hope I can be the mom this special person needs.