Thursday, July 31, 2014

Looking up

My ankle has been doing much better lately, and once I remembered the basic pain management protocol (don't let the pain get away from you) (thanks mom), I medicated, got it under control, and things are under control now.

I have been able to walk around with the boot more easily, and I even started being able to ride a stationary bike.  That part is really exciting.

Lately, Sofie has been struggling.  She has had a few changes to her life this summer - me breaking my ankles, changing from preschool to day camp, taking swimming lessons, having her Dad pay a lot of attention to me, her friends not being available like they were.  I think it is a lot to process, and the outcome is that she has a very short fuse & is quick to get angry in a second.  She has been overreacting to tiny things, and the tantrums seem to span days.  She also refuses to get out of bed, go to camp, talk... They are tough time.

Once she gets out of her dark place, she will talk to us about what is going on with her, but we don't seem to be able to temper her reaction with our discussions.  I hope that as I regain mobility & her life stabilizes with kindergarten that things will calm down.

Meanwhile, her tantrums are pretty amazing to experience.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Slow going

I am feeling blue today. My ankle has been hurting like crazy since the doctor released me to walk in the boot. Every step is agony in the joint and when I sit down, the pain doesn't lesson for hours. Painkillers don't make much of a dent in it, and I am beyond wits with what to so.

I called the doctor when it was so bad earlier this week, and they claimed it was normal. My physical therapist was kind of shocked & speechless with the swelling, but then said you should just ice it more.

I am afraid that something is really wrong. I am afraid that I will never walk again or run or dance. I will call again on Monday to discuss with the doctor's nurse - and it is just another 2 weeks away until I see the surgeon again.  I saw the X-rays. My bones looked like the were healed but then why does it hurt so bad?

Meanwhile, the hubby and Sofie are running around town without me and I feel so alone. My family is tired of talking to me on the phone every day (with me having so little changed from day to day) and my friends are busy running around.

I booked some trips for later this year to look forward to, but what if I can't walk?  Disaster.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Personal growth?

A couple months off work is a long time.

I would like to say that I spent my time well doing my non-moving hobbies like painting, playing music, reading, writing, meditating, planning for the future, etc.

However, I gorged on all the TV that I missed over the last 15 years - Firefly (ok rewatched), Freaks and Geeks, House of Cards, Fringe, New Girl, Orphan Black, Hot in Cleveland, Tree House masters ... And rejected a lot of the mainstream TV that people recommended - Breaking Bad (too violent & didn't like the characters), Orange is the new black (didn't like the characters), Once upon a time (wouldn't stream), dexter (too violent), Sherlock (just wasn't interesting to me), lilyhammer (didn't like the characters), and more ...  Oh, and I watched the World Cup with an avid football lover.

I also read a lot of books, both old and new to me, and did a lot of sleeping. I am not sure it was the most productive use of time, but it took me away from my troubles.

Yesterday I was finally released to start walking with a boot, and now that I started, I am in terrible pain again. I migrated back to the wheel chair & crutches this afternoon. Transitions are tricky.

The World Cup is wrapping up and I am set to start working from home again.  I guess this journey is wrapping up to a certain degree in the next few weeks.

I discovered some spirituality in this journey. I reconnected with my husband and daughter by living in the living room for 2 months. I discovered I have great friends who were amazingly supportive. I reconnected with old friends too.

I was forced to be more vulnerable than I have been since I was a child. I had a glimpse of what handicap and elderly people experience. It isn't pretty.

I still don't know what I want to do with my life (except be a wife and mom and friend). I do know I want to be healthy. And that is enough for now.