Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Keeping it all together

My moods tend to oscillate between joy and despair, and I haven't been feeling like what I have to say will really affect the world in any specific way.  Sometimes I wonder why I even bother blogging since I haven't really found a compelling voice that keeps people coming back.

I am struggling to find balance. I know I should eat healthy.  I know I should exercise regularly. I know I should be consistent. I know I should be a role model to my daughter and "not let myself go". I know I should play with her and do her hair and be there for her.  I know I should put my heart into my work.  I know I should change my priorities at work and be the corporate automaton.  My focus should always reflect on the company's profitability. Not people. Not teams. Continuous improvement in the context of profitability.  I should have dates with my husband, get my hair and nails done, plan amazing birthday parties, coordinate family trips back home to both countries. I should meditate every day and feel my life's purpose & feel like I am fulfilling my purpose. I should have direction and work towards it. I should be polite to everyone.  I should be more flexible. I should be more rigid. I should follow the rules. I should break them.  I should have been boundaries and have my shields up.  I should catch up on the news, and the new movies, and the TV shows everyone is watching.  I should read more - especially non-fiction. I should be able to talk about the literary meaning of everything.  I should do my best every day.  I should worry more. I should worry less.  I should question things more. I should make judgement about what things mean to the world.  I should find my voice and use it.  I should tell my family about how alcoholism in the family affects me.  I should tell my family how I don't want to be around alcoholism openly.  I should talk to my family how domestic violence is not the answer. I should not be judged and "hated on" when I try to express these views. I should get some respect. I should be happy and grateful for what I have.  I should thank god every day for everything.  I should be a good friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister, child, colleague, leader, manager, coach, and global citizen.  I should have more energy. I should sleep more.  I should help out around the house more. I should do the gardening in the yard. I should sit outside and drink wine and watch life go by.  I should listen to the voices in my head and tell the obnoxious ones to ef-off.  I should prioritize music in my life and dance.

Today is actually a good day.  I didn't work out, but I am eating healthy.  I am being a coach, a mother, a mentor, an executor, and a troubleshooter.  I did my daughter's hair for crazy day and made her breakfast. I am planning my work around surgery my husband is having next week & preparing to be super mommy/super wife.

1 comment:

  1. Oh man, surgery? Hope it goes well!

    The "shoulds" are awful. You know what, you're way ahead of me, today was also crazy hair/dress day at our daycare. I didn't know because I didn't open my e-mail. Bad mommy.

    We can't have it all and we can't do it all. That's the tough lesson I'm learning right now. So, we do what we can. ((hugs))