Long time - busy mommy - taking a deep breath

It has been such a long time since I did any blogging. Life just rushed by.  Our personal computer died, and we didn't really feel the need to get a new one for a long time. Now we have invested in a little refurbished chromebook that I thought would become my writing computer.  I am going to try to write more often.

There has been a lot of growing on in the last few years.  We have struggled with attachment and a "mild" case of reactive attachment disorder.  I have broken both of my ankles and had major health issues.  Work has been tough in a very deflated market with round after round of layoffs of friends and coworkers.  We survived a tough time in our marriage.

Where I am today - I am still working full time as an IT project manager.  My project isn't as busy as it was, and it hasn't been providing the satisfaction it once did.  I might be up for a promotion or lateral move one of these days.  I have worked hard to limit my working time to less than 50 hours a week.  My natural tendency is to work 10-11 hour days. I learned to stop checking work emails incessantly at home.  I am working closer to 45 hours a week which is way better.

Our daughter is very busy with extracurricular activities like a.mer.ican ni.nja warr.io.r training and hiphop. She is also a skateboarder and loves to run around and play.  My husband has transitioned to the role of dad finally. I accepted that my husband is the nurturer and the traditional 'housewife' role.  It was super hard.

Looking back, I realized that we were all struggling with a lot of acceptance.  Being a mother was awesome and wonderful, but I didn't know how to adjust & accept that as a working mother I couldn't do it all. My husband had to learn that he was a great dad and that his heard had infinite capacity to love. Sofie had to learn to accept us, learn to trust us, learn that we weren't going to give her away even if she acted like a maniac.  We were all desperately trying to cope and love and give, and none of us felt like we were really doing it well I think.

These days, I still don't think I would win any mom of the year awards - i am a b.a.d mo.m kind of mom - but I do my best to be engaged.  I know that my daughter needs to see me both in the morning and at night to have a good day (5 am workouts at the gym won't work).  I know that I need to spend a little bit of time with the hubby each day for a check in and cuddle.  I know that I need to have quiet time where I am allowed to check out.  I need to read great fiction.  I also remembered in the last 2 weeks that I LOVE weight training, and I need to do that a few times a week to feel the endorphin rush & to feel strong & to feel like I did something that day.  So much of my life is spent shepherding around different people who may or may not do what I need them to do.  I don't get to contribute as an individual contributor on many things, and if nothing gets done, I found myself feeling like a failure for the day.  I also know that I need to get massages every couple of weeks so I don't get hurt. And I know I should avoid stepping in holes or wearing high heels.  On weekends, I get to hang out a lot more with the family and do family activities. I feel like I should spend a lot more time planning structured things to do with Sofie, but I try to keep my eye out for opportunities to do things we can do together (like painting or baking or decorating).

Last week I had an amazing pre-Thanksgiving girls day planned, where we went to a painting & wine (without the wine) for a family paint-a-unicorn day.  Then we were supposed to go out for lunch, maybe go rock climbing, and make Thanksgiving pies.  Well, when we got to the painting place she was excited, but I forgot about her perfectionist tendencies and she managed to get all worked up about a line not being perfectly straight and had a little mini tantrum with the other families who were trying to paint.  She demanded we leave, and she was really annoyed that I wouldn't go.  At the end of it, she finally sucked it up and finished a painting (as did I), but she was still pissed that mine looked better than hers.  I was FRAZZLED.  Then we went to go get lunch, and I went to a hot dog place and she didn't like it.  By that time, I was pulling my hair out. I decided rock climbing was out, and we went to the store to pick up borax for some slime recipe that was sure to work (since her last 3 attempts without were a failure).  We made the slime and she was finally happy.  I really imagined an easy day, and it was anything but easy.  Hubby was annoyed that I bought glitter to put in the slime because it gets EVERYWHERE, but I figured a little glitter was going to make the day better. 

I guess being a mom is accepting where we all are and trying to make the best of it anyway.  Knowing that there is no such thing as a perfect mommy daughter day is a hard pill to swallow.  I know I don't remember all the trials that I put my mom through.  I guess it could have been just as hard for her as it is for me.

It is so hard not being perfect. And it is hard not being able to control situations. Accepting that the only thing I can control is my reaction to events is a constant challenge.

So, here is my first post in a few years.  Hello. Comment if you want. I don't know if anyone is even reading any more.  I hope you are having a good one.

Gutted

I thought I was over the fertility issues. BAM!

I have had weird bleeding for awhile. Analysis found a big cyst in my ovary. 2 months later and it is bigger.

I am scheduled for surgery and they are taking out the 'bad' ovary and both Fallopian tubes to stop the problem.

I am in pre-op and it hits like a rock. I will never get lucky and get pregnant. I will never have a child with my DNA. Damn.  No more pregnancy tests. No more hoping in the back of my mind.

It feels bleak without hope.

Keeping it all together

My moods tend to oscillate between joy and despair, and I haven't been feeling like what I have to say will really affect the world in any specific way.  Sometimes I wonder why I even bother blogging since I haven't really found a compelling voice that keeps people coming back.

I am struggling to find balance. I know I should eat healthy.  I know I should exercise regularly. I know I should be consistent. I know I should be a role model to my daughter and "not let myself go". I know I should play with her and do her hair and be there for her.  I know I should put my heart into my work.  I know I should change my priorities at work and be the corporate automaton.  My focus should always reflect on the company's profitability. Not people. Not teams. Continuous improvement in the context of profitability.  I should have dates with my husband, get my hair and nails done, plan amazing birthday parties, coordinate family trips back home to both countries. I should meditate every day and feel my life's purpose & feel like I am fulfilling my purpose. I should have direction and work towards it. I should be polite to everyone.  I should be more flexible. I should be more rigid. I should follow the rules. I should break them.  I should have been boundaries and have my shields up.  I should catch up on the news, and the new movies, and the TV shows everyone is watching.  I should read more - especially non-fiction. I should be able to talk about the literary meaning of everything.  I should do my best every day.  I should worry more. I should worry less.  I should question things more. I should make judgement about what things mean to the world.  I should find my voice and use it.  I should tell my family about how alcoholism in the family affects me.  I should tell my family how I don't want to be around alcoholism openly.  I should talk to my family how domestic violence is not the answer. I should not be judged and "hated on" when I try to express these views. I should get some respect. I should be happy and grateful for what I have.  I should thank god every day for everything.  I should be a good friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister, child, colleague, leader, manager, coach, and global citizen.  I should have more energy. I should sleep more.  I should help out around the house more. I should do the gardening in the yard. I should sit outside and drink wine and watch life go by.  I should listen to the voices in my head and tell the obnoxious ones to ef-off.  I should prioritize music in my life and dance.

Today is actually a good day.  I didn't work out, but I am eating healthy.  I am being a coach, a mother, a mentor, an executor, and a troubleshooter.  I did my daughter's hair for crazy day and made her breakfast. I am planning my work around surgery my husband is having next week & preparing to be super mommy/super wife.

Sick Kid - #microblogmondays

It's Monday and my baby woke up hysterically crying, coughing and not interested in eating her daily oatmeal. It was definitely not a normal morning but she didn't have a fever so we sent her to school.

At 1:30 the school called and said she just wasn't feeling well, didn't have a fever and could we come pick her up. I was ready to drop everything and rush home but my hubby called back within 5 minutes and told me he had it.

I get home at 6 and she is still coughing and has a 100.3 degree fever. My poor baby. She never gets sick. Ever. Even when she had the flu before Christmas she bounces around like a maniac and fools the best of doctors.

She is lying listlessly on the couch. I am trying to snuggle and decontaminate at the same time.  Oof.

Feel better, Little Bit.

Scrum baby - #Microblogmondays

I took the most awesome course last week which was both a life changer for work but also has the potential to be a life changer in my personal life. It is called the Certified Scrum Master course (yes - scrum like rugby) and it is an applied methodology for living an agile life (ok - really it is applied to software development frameworks but seriously, it has the potential to apply to pretty much any situation). 

It is the anti-waterfall methodology for life. Instead of mapping out the details of everything you want to do at the beginning of any project, you set the high level vision of where you want to be. Then, during each sprint (1-4 week period), you prioritize your goals for the sprint, make sure each team member has to be successful and start the clock. The goal is to achieve fully working outputs in small bits, check with your stakeholders along the way, and deliver exactly what is needed. We tend to get stuck in the weeds very early in the project and spend way too much time on stuff that just doesn't matter & that we don't really need.

How much baggage do you have in your life (and job) that you do because you have always done it that way? What if you could cut that stuff out and focus on the real value?! It is so empowering.

At work, my job is the 'scrum master' which means I will be getting stuff out of people's way so they can be as successful as possible. I love it. I was born to solve problems. Woot woot.

At home, I will likely be alternating between the product owner and scrum master. And sometimes the team member. We could decompose tasks for the house into the product backlog and see if we work more efficiently this way. Maybe big tasks won't be so daunting. You know. So I never start. 

Check it out!  Http:://Scrumalliance.org

If you could be agile in your life, what would you do differently?




Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

... and today's hat is ... #MicroBlogMondays

I was on stay-cation for the last week, and this morning I returned back to work.  Everything is different when I am working.  I get up at 4:50 in the morning so I have time to work out and meditate.  I rouse the family from their beds & let the cats in from their adventures.  I have to shower, find work appropriate clothes, apply makeup, style my hair. I have to get lunches ready and put breakfast is on the table.  I commute at least 25 minutes (unless there is a 3 lane pileup on the way, and then it takes an hour).  Just to be in the office by 8:00 feels like such a production, and then I turn on the computer and have the hundreds of messages waiting for me to take action.  And I have to remember who I was before I took that vacation.  I am still struggling, and it is noon.  Crazy!

I really loved wearing the mommy hat last week.  Sofie learned to balance and ride her bike.  We went to the top of the world (the Spindletop Hyatt) and explored art galore.  We ate gelato and skateboarded.  We rode amusement park rides, baked cookies, went to a coffee shop for hot cocoa and friendship, woke up late, and watched cartoons in the morning.  We had a picnic and a sleepover.  I love these happy days.

The transitions between my hats are hard.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Spring break - #MicroBlogMondays

Hello All Y'all! It's spring break!

I love the murals that are being put in the Heights and around the town. It's not all concrete jungle.