#MicroblogMondays - Being open to discuss adoption with our kids

Parenting an adopted child must be pretty similar to parenting a child from my womb, but sometimes I wonder if I make the right choices by talking about adoption so openly.  It is very obvious that my child is Asian.  Since we both have big smiles, brown hair and round faces, I guess that some people guess that I had a previous relationship with an Asian man when they see us together.  When I was in Jamaica, the locals intimated that I might have created Sofie on a previous visit.  Also at airports, people have asked if her father was Asian  (My answer - "Well, probably, but it is hard to know").

When I meet new people in my personal & professional life and talk about our family, I do mention that Sofie is from China because I think it is so cool that we are a Chinese-American-Norwegian family.   I love being international by association.  I think it is cool that she will speak English, Norwegian, Mandarin, and Spanish because of our unique positioning in the world.  I feel like she is a citizen of the world, more than I could ever be - despite my travels, adventurous cooking/eating adventures ("Hello, Durian") and attempts over the years to be fluent in Spanish, Portuguese, Norwegian, and Mandarin and smattering of Arabic, Russian and French.

Also, the process of doing adoption was so challenging, I want to open the conversation to any potential people who are thinking about it - openly or in the dark.  Mentioning adoption definitely has opened some interesting conversations with people who are ashamed to talk about infertility openly - you know, the talk about the fear of never having a child, the frustration with all the medical procedures & hormones, spouses being uncomfortable with adoption, bonding with the child, the difficulty of national and international adoption, costs, family reaction, surrogacy, etc.

We have also been very open with Sofie about her being from China.  She openly identifies with other people who "look like her" and seeks them out today.  To try to bridge the gaps, we tell her stories about what happened in China when we met her.  We also talk about the assimilation process (at a very high level since she is only 5).  This spring, she and I have started taking Mandarin at the local Asian Community Center, so we have a direct link with the Chinese community and its customs.  Of course we also have Asian expat friends, but I worry that we will not expose her enough to her culture and someday she will resent us for her not being 'Asian enough'.  Also, I worry about her feeling 'different' with her peers because they all look like their moms and dads.

I am not sure how the open speech about it will affect Sofie in the future.  We will need to figure out how to deal with the abandonment issues as they come.  Even now, we talk about how her foster family loved her so much that they wanted her to come to the US.

We used to be a melting pot in the US where race didn't matter, but now we seem to embrace the differences with their own 'flavor'.  Is my active parenting enough to keep the flavor but take the edge off the bitterness?  Time will tell.

What are you doing with your local or international adoption as your kids are growing up?  When are they really ready to talk about their roots & work on it?  Did you get counselors or was open communication and love enough?  Has it come up multiple times?

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#MicroBlogMondays - How obnoxious am I???

Somehow I became THAT mom.  You know the one.  She is always talking about how amazing her son or daughter is and forcefully shoving a picture or video of the little angel in your face. From the moment we were matched, I changed into a new person, and I assumed that EVERYONE would want to know about my joy, my happiness, my baby.

Knowing how annoying THAT person can be, I try not to tell more than one story about her at a time, but I still marvel that she is part of my family and my world.  I can't stop.  

People claim they like it. Do I trust them???  

Honestly, I have the most beautiful, smart, athletic, amazing daughter in the whole world. She is a natural swimmer, amazing ice skater, dancer, singer, songwriter, and performer.  She learned to do cartwheels when she was 4 by herself...  She pitches like a boy twice her age, swings a golf club like a professional, and has been able to swing across monkey bar rings since she was 3.  How many kids are like that?

She has been asking for pixie dust ("real pixie dust, Mommy. I want to fly outside my dreams") and a tuba (10x bigger than her) for years.

She was doing addition and subtraction at the table when she was 3.  We didn't start reading with her until this year (because of the learning English thing), and she has been a total whiz.  She gets it.

People walk up to us off the street or at restaurants or at the mall to tell us how beautiful she is.  It hasn't been a one time thing.  Does everyone experience this?

She has a posse of people who follow her around at the grocery store giving her treats (they work there & are her personal friends?).  I had never heard of such a thing.

She is fearless and walks up to all kinds of kids (ages 2-18) and even adults playing with kids to ask if she can play with them.  I was the biggest wuss ever.  I still am. 

I don't know if I can stop talking about her. She is totally awesome from her sunny (mostly) personality, infinite energy (think the universe or the sun), and playful, creative nature.  

I guess the world just has to accept us for who we are.  And I am in love and gushing about my girl.

Don't know what #MicroblogMondays is? Check it out here.

#MicroBlogMondays - Inaugural Flight

The inaugural flight ... Headed to Grandma's house.

I am so proud of my creation. Sofie added the propellers. Feeling awesome.

#MicroBlogMondays - Back to life, Back to Reality

My 2 weeks of vacation is over, and a whole new year has started.  It has been a good run.  My daughter has been delighted that I am home all the time, and she has attached to me like it used to be before I went back to work after adopting her.  She wants to be with me all the time, wants to sit on my lap all the time, and has been the best snuggler ever. I love it.  I would love for it to stay this way, but as I head into the new year with a new job, I will struggle to have the work/life balance to maintain the close bond.  I don't think it is something she consciously chooses, but my husband is my rock and house-husband.  He will take her to school, pick her up, do after school activities with her, and be there while I am not.

I am looking forward into getting into a normal routine again.  It will be good to have a rigorous schedule filled with challenges and fun.  I am working to strengthen my local network of friends, remember to take "me time", and make sure I have the resources and support available to live a balanced life.

Happy New Year!

Don't know what #MicroblogMondays is? Check it out here.

#MicroblogMondays - Being Enough

We went on vacation to an all inclusive resort in Jamaica for the Christmas holiday, and the resort we stayed in offered "Kids Camp." Camp included structured activities for the kids to do every day - glass bottom boatadventure, swimming, crafts, baking/pizza making in the kitchens, tea parties, singing, dancing, games, treasure hunts, visiting with Sesame Street Characters in real life, etc etc etc.  The first full day we were there, we didn't do it, but we ran into a camp counselor the second day who enticed Sofie to try it.  She LOVED it.  We did it during the day for 3 days in a row, dropping her off around 9:30 and picking her up around 3:30 so we could still do some swimming.

I have to say that it was the best thing ever.  My husband was sick with the flu, so having her attend let him sleep.   Also, doing the mom/adventure coordinator thing on vacation was a lot of work by my self.  I had booked the trip to Jamaica with a vision of some alone time/beach time to recuperate from this year (see previous posts about the 3 different jobs & broken/twisted ankles).  Kids Camp allowed us to have some alone time during the day, and we picked up Sofie mid-afternoon so we could swim/make sand castles/etc.

On the last full day in Jamaica, I dropped Sofie off again for kids camp, and one of the counselors made the comment that "most parents don't drop their kid off on the last day - we weren't expecting you."  I felt judged big time.  It felt like she was implying I didn't love Sofie enough to spend the day with her.  Sofie had woken up at 6 that morning and had been pleasant for awhile but metamorphosed into a screaming, temper tantrum, walking nightmare from 7-8:30. She had been sneaking candy, and when she eats it before breakfast, it doesn't do nice things to her disposition.  I know that I didn't need to justify my decision to drop Sofie off to Kids Camp.  I just expected that they would do their job, take my kid, and let me have a couple hours of peace.  Why did I feel so judged?  I should have just told her to "F OFF"

I have had some time to think about it in the last day, and it rubbed me the wrong way because...

I am the single breadwinner in our family (full time middle manager in a technical industry), and sometimes I have a hard time accepting that I am enough and give enough to every stakeholder in my life.  My husband is a full time homemaker.

It feels like most of my colleagues spend the 10-14 hours a day in the office. Why? I can only imagine that they 1) like to work, 2) are hiding from their significant others, 3) are really playing "worlds of Warcraft" or some other computer game, or 4) they are shopping/reading news/on eBay, etc.  I spend 8 hours a day at work, working.  I am there to get in, get work done, and get out.  I also have about 90 minutes of commute on top of the 8 hours, plus an hour lunch.  That means I spend at least 10 hours a day on work related activities, on a good day when I actually get out of work on time.  and I am a person who used to be defined by my work.  I love working.  It makes it tough to not spend all my time at work.  I feel guilt because I am not at work.  Also, it is a highly political, tumultuous time in my industry, and people are being let go.  I feel guilty that I am not doing enough.

Then, when I get home, I feel guilt about not being the best mom.  Many other moms at my daughter's school are full time moms.  They have time to make their daughter fancy dresses, go to the park, drop them off at school, pick them up at school, make dinner, go shopping, do soccer practice, do homework and volunteer at school. I am lucky to make Sofie breakfast, sometimes get her dressed, and have dinner with her.  I also help with the bedtime routine, but a lot of the time, when I get home, I am worn out. I feel guilty I am not doing enough and giving enough.

Then, I look in the mirror and I see that I am 100 pounds overweight.  I see the flaws - where I blew my knee out twice, where I broke my leg, where I broke my ankle this year, the scars, the flab.  I feel guilt about not taking care of myself, not having self control and not respecting myself enough to not overeat.

I keep meaning to do things - schedule extracurricular activities for my daughter and myself, but it hasn't happened yet.  Other moms seem to be arranging and facilitating activities for their kids.  They supplement the existing school with languages and physical activities.  Why am I not doing that?

At the end of the day, I need to tell the negative, nagging voice in my head to shut the fuck up.  I have prioritized taking care of my family financially, and I need self care for myself too.  I have provided amazing opportunities for my daughter that she never would have gotten if she had remained in China.  She got her cleft palate fixed as much as possible for her age. She has gotten speech therapy and is up to age appropriate sounds (she could only do vowels and "m" and "n" when we got her).  She takes piano lessons and dance lessons.  I am teaching her to bake. I sing with her. We dance together. I helped provide an amazing opportunity to go on vacation to Jamaica.  She has learned to swim.  She is learning to read.  I am a great mom, and I don't need to feel guilty about giving her to Kids camp for a few hours on our final day in Jamaica.  I deserve rest and relaxation too.

I am enough.  I just need to remind myself most days.

Don't know what #MicroblogMondays is? Check it out here.

Lazy Days

It's a lazy day in paradise, and I am feeling grateful. We picked a resort with kids camp, and Sofie went immediately after breakfast (chomping at the bit for fun)! The hubby has the flu (son of a gun... Life is not fair. He braved it Sunday, our travel day, and yesterday). I made him go to bed after breakfast in hope that  his fever will break and that he will feel better tomorrow.

Here I am, sitting in paradise on our lovely balcony.

I am thinking about grabbing a drink with rum and having some quality alone time. It is definitely solitude. Beautiful.

#MicroblogMondays - Christmas cookies galore

I love the season of Christmas.  Every year, I decorate the house while watching Christmas movies.  The first movie is always "White Christmas."  Phase 2 includes making Christmas food - cookies, fruitcake, chocolate truffles, apple pie - and watching more movies (National Lampoon Christmas vacation, home alone, miracle on 34th st...).  The typical cookie fare includes sugar cookies, Norwegian gingerbread cookies (pepperspisser), Norwegian sand cookies (sandnoetter), toffee bars, candy cane cookies, and sometimes spritz. This year, I discovered the melted snowman cookies which are my new rockstar favorites.  Basic 101 instructions are here.

I used Martha Stewart's perfect sugar cookies and royal icing recipes. So yummy! It will be a tradition for years to come!  My innovation for the snowmen were the tic tacs for nose, googly eyes from the store, and pretzels for the arms.  Using Martha's recipe + marshmallows yielded a taste that was creamier than a typical lemon sandwich cookie.

While we had the dough/frosting, we went crazy with other cutout/decorations.

The decorating was perfect for ages 5+.

What are your favorite Christmas cookies?  Do you have a fun-gotta-try go to?

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