We went on vacation to an all inclusive resort in Jamaica for the Christmas holiday, and the resort we stayed in offered "Kids Camp." Camp included structured activities for the kids to do every day - glass bottom boatadventure, swimming, crafts, baking/pizza making in the kitchens, tea parties, singing, dancing, games, treasure hunts, visiting with Sesame Street Characters in real life, etc etc etc. The first full day we were there, we didn't do it, but we ran into a camp counselor the second day who enticed Sofie to try it. She LOVED it. We did it during the day for 3 days in a row, dropping her off around 9:30 and picking her up around 3:30 so we could still do some swimming.
I have to say that it was the best thing ever. My husband was sick with the flu, so having her attend let him sleep. Also, doing the mom/adventure coordinator thing on vacation was a lot of work by my self. I had booked the trip to Jamaica with a vision of some alone time/beach time to recuperate from this year (see previous posts about the 3 different jobs & broken/twisted ankles). Kids Camp allowed us to have some alone time during the day, and we picked up Sofie mid-afternoon so we could swim/make sand castles/etc.
On the last full day in Jamaica, I dropped Sofie off again for kids camp, and one of the counselors made the comment that "most parents don't drop their kid off on the last day - we weren't expecting you." I felt judged big time. It felt like she was implying I didn't love Sofie enough to spend the day with her. Sofie had woken up at 6 that morning and had been pleasant for awhile but metamorphosed into a screaming, temper tantrum, walking nightmare from 7-8:30. She had been sneaking candy, and when she eats it before breakfast, it doesn't do nice things to her disposition. I know that I didn't need to justify my decision to drop Sofie off to Kids Camp. I just expected that they would do their job, take my kid, and let me have a couple hours of peace. Why did I feel so judged? I should have just told her to "F OFF"
I have had some time to think about it in the last day, and it rubbed me the wrong way because...
I am the single breadwinner in our family (full time middle manager in a technical industry), and sometimes I have a hard time accepting that I am enough and give enough to every stakeholder in my life. My husband is a full time homemaker.
It feels like most of my colleagues spend the 10-14 hours a day in the office. Why? I can only imagine that they 1) like to work, 2) are hiding from their significant others, 3) are really playing "worlds of Warcraft" or some other computer game, or 4) they are shopping/reading news/on eBay, etc. I spend 8 hours a day at work, working. I am there to get in, get work done, and get out. I also have about 90 minutes of commute on top of the 8 hours, plus an hour lunch. That means I spend at least 10 hours a day on work related activities, on a good day when I actually get out of work on time. and I am a person who used to be defined by my work. I love working. It makes it tough to not spend all my time at work. I feel guilt because I am not at work. Also, it is a highly political, tumultuous time in my industry, and people are being let go. I feel guilty that I am not doing enough.
Then, when I get home, I feel guilt about not being the best mom. Many other moms at my daughter's school are full time moms. They have time to make their daughter fancy dresses, go to the park, drop them off at school, pick them up at school, make dinner, go shopping, do soccer practice, do homework and volunteer at school. I am lucky to make Sofie breakfast, sometimes get her dressed, and have dinner with her. I also help with the bedtime routine, but a lot of the time, when I get home, I am worn out. I feel guilty I am not doing enough and giving enough.
Then, I look in the mirror and I see that I am 100 pounds overweight. I see the flaws - where I blew my knee out twice, where I broke my leg, where I broke my ankle this year, the scars, the flab. I feel guilt about not taking care of myself, not having self control and not respecting myself enough to not overeat.
I keep meaning to do things - schedule extracurricular activities for my daughter and myself, but it hasn't happened yet. Other moms seem to be arranging and facilitating activities for their kids. They supplement the existing school with languages and physical activities. Why am I not doing that?
At the end of the day, I need to tell the negative, nagging voice in my head to shut the fuck up. I have prioritized taking care of my family financially, and I need self care for myself too. I have provided amazing opportunities for my daughter that she never would have gotten if she had remained in China. She got her cleft palate fixed as much as possible for her age. She has gotten speech therapy and is up to age appropriate sounds (she could only do vowels and "m" and "n" when we got her). She takes piano lessons and dance lessons. I am teaching her to bake. I sing with her. We dance together. I helped provide an amazing opportunity to go on vacation to Jamaica. She has learned to swim. She is learning to read. I am a great mom, and I don't need to feel guilty about giving her to Kids camp for a few hours on our final day in Jamaica. I deserve rest and relaxation too.
I have to say that it was the best thing ever. My husband was sick with the flu, so having her attend let him sleep. Also, doing the mom/adventure coordinator thing on vacation was a lot of work by my self. I had booked the trip to Jamaica with a vision of some alone time/beach time to recuperate from this year (see previous posts about the 3 different jobs & broken/twisted ankles). Kids Camp allowed us to have some alone time during the day, and we picked up Sofie mid-afternoon so we could swim/make sand castles/etc.
On the last full day in Jamaica, I dropped Sofie off again for kids camp, and one of the counselors made the comment that "most parents don't drop their kid off on the last day - we weren't expecting you." I felt judged big time. It felt like she was implying I didn't love Sofie enough to spend the day with her. Sofie had woken up at 6 that morning and had been pleasant for awhile but metamorphosed into a screaming, temper tantrum, walking nightmare from 7-8:30. She had been sneaking candy, and when she eats it before breakfast, it doesn't do nice things to her disposition. I know that I didn't need to justify my decision to drop Sofie off to Kids Camp. I just expected that they would do their job, take my kid, and let me have a couple hours of peace. Why did I feel so judged? I should have just told her to "F OFF"
I have had some time to think about it in the last day, and it rubbed me the wrong way because...
I am the single breadwinner in our family (full time middle manager in a technical industry), and sometimes I have a hard time accepting that I am enough and give enough to every stakeholder in my life. My husband is a full time homemaker.
It feels like most of my colleagues spend the 10-14 hours a day in the office. Why? I can only imagine that they 1) like to work, 2) are hiding from their significant others, 3) are really playing "worlds of Warcraft" or some other computer game, or 4) they are shopping/reading news/on eBay, etc. I spend 8 hours a day at work, working. I am there to get in, get work done, and get out. I also have about 90 minutes of commute on top of the 8 hours, plus an hour lunch. That means I spend at least 10 hours a day on work related activities, on a good day when I actually get out of work on time. and I am a person who used to be defined by my work. I love working. It makes it tough to not spend all my time at work. I feel guilt because I am not at work. Also, it is a highly political, tumultuous time in my industry, and people are being let go. I feel guilty that I am not doing enough.
Then, when I get home, I feel guilt about not being the best mom. Many other moms at my daughter's school are full time moms. They have time to make their daughter fancy dresses, go to the park, drop them off at school, pick them up at school, make dinner, go shopping, do soccer practice, do homework and volunteer at school. I am lucky to make Sofie breakfast, sometimes get her dressed, and have dinner with her. I also help with the bedtime routine, but a lot of the time, when I get home, I am worn out. I feel guilty I am not doing enough and giving enough.
Then, I look in the mirror and I see that I am 100 pounds overweight. I see the flaws - where I blew my knee out twice, where I broke my leg, where I broke my ankle this year, the scars, the flab. I feel guilt about not taking care of myself, not having self control and not respecting myself enough to not overeat.
I keep meaning to do things - schedule extracurricular activities for my daughter and myself, but it hasn't happened yet. Other moms seem to be arranging and facilitating activities for their kids. They supplement the existing school with languages and physical activities. Why am I not doing that?
At the end of the day, I need to tell the negative, nagging voice in my head to shut the fuck up. I have prioritized taking care of my family financially, and I need self care for myself too. I have provided amazing opportunities for my daughter that she never would have gotten if she had remained in China. She got her cleft palate fixed as much as possible for her age. She has gotten speech therapy and is up to age appropriate sounds (she could only do vowels and "m" and "n" when we got her). She takes piano lessons and dance lessons. I am teaching her to bake. I sing with her. We dance together. I helped provide an amazing opportunity to go on vacation to Jamaica. She has learned to swim. She is learning to read. I am a great mom, and I don't need to feel guilty about giving her to Kids camp for a few hours on our final day in Jamaica. I deserve rest and relaxation too.
I am enough. I just need to remind myself most days.
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Don't know what #MicroblogMondays is? Check it out here.
Yes, you need to remind yourself that you're a great mom. And your DH is a great husband. Sofie is thriving and attached to you. That's what counts the most, not what everyone else thinks.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely are enough, and really, the only person who gets to decide that is you. All outsiders need to keep their opinions to themselves.
ReplyDeleteWow! What a great mom you are! And that is amazing that your husband is able to be a SAHD! Take care of yourself, you're doing great!
ReplyDeleteYes, you are enough. And yes, it is hard to hear that voice sometimes when the other ones outside us are so loud. I know that you weren't referencing this in your comment on my post, but the fear of failure ... that feeling of not being enough ... they come from the same place. Sometimes remembering what matters--your little girl, who is completely in love with you--can help dispel those dark shadows. Because not only is that enough, if we can remember to recognize it, but it is purely miraculous. xo You are amazing.
ReplyDelete