Friday, December 9, 2011

Fake it until you make it

When I bought a new Blue Ray player, I received a manual about an inch and a half thick with instructions on how to install it, how to maintain it, and how to troubleshoot it.

When we received Sofie, we got a little card with an email address from the Orphanage where they requested we send updates and some notarized documents confirming that we adopted her.  That's it. No manual.  Even though we spent months preparing for this change, we felt like we were tossed into an alternate universe & were spiraling to a place with no map.

My philosophy in life has tended to be "fake it until you make it".  I carry myself as if I am already the person I want to be in order to catalyze the changes within me and the opportunities manifest in my life.

It has been an ongoing struggle to diagnose what our little girl wants and needs.  It is hard to tell her feelings.  She has trained me into a constant state of awareness at night to be on call at any moment to allay her fears or comfort her sorrow.  In some ways, it is like we have gotten a 26.6 pound newborn.  We are still getting to know each other's personalities and foibles.  She wants to be carried, except when she doesn't. She is potty trained, except when she isn't.  She likes yogurt at the beginning of the week and won't touch it now.  When she eats, she loves making funny faces at me in hopes that I will make them back to her.  She is a baffling enigma, and yet, when she smiles at me she lights up my heart.

This morning, I am feeling the remnants of sleep deprivation.  I was up all night, waiting for one of her episodes to start, and there was a minor one at midnight and then nothing the rest of the night.  She might almost be on our time zone now (thank goodness).

I interpret this success that she might be feeling more secure in this rabbit's hole we have thrust her into without her consent.  She has accepted my vision & I am feeling more like a Mom.  I have made it.

2 comments:

  1. You know, you go through every Mom's feelings sooner or later.
    All though I have had my boys from day one, I STILL am learning how to "know" them.

    You are doing a WONDERFUL job Sally. It's hard for any parents, but it is trippel hard for you and Espen. You have a little girl who knows about her "preveius" life, and she has a language but the wrong one, and so on.

    I am MORE than impressed by you. You handle everything so incredible good!
    And as my doctor says: "It's not a point to be a PERFECT parent. It's a point to be the best YOU can be!"

    You know how I love that little bundle of energy, and I wish I could be there and help you both. I know what sleep deprevation can do to you!

    But Sofie has the very best Mom and Papa in the world!!

    Lots of love from up north. ;)

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  2. are you trying to make everyone cry?......sandi

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