More Uncertainty

I went back to work full time last week, and I was actually able to drive myself to the office, sit at my desk all day, and drive myself home! All week! Yay! Progress!!!


I expected everyone to be as happy as I was that I was back.  I did get a lot of "Welcome Back's," but I am no longer the Project Manager on my project, and they are looking for another project for me lead.  Meanwhile, I am the new project managers "helper," (official title as told by the program manager) and I get to watch him change everything I planned.  Also, he talks about the "terrible" decisions I made a lot, has a very different communication style and his sense of urgency seems to be less than mine was. 


I have a very hard time sitting on the bleachers.  There are long stretches of time where there really isn't a lot for me to do, and I am at the point I am fantasizing about bringing in books from my reading list until something is decided.  I have sent the message up the chain about the status & my availability to work... I am hoping someone will jump soon.  My CV is updated but I am not ready to pull the trigger yet.


Meanwhile at home, Sofie is in denial about going back to school.  We had her stay home a couple weeks for "summer vacation" so she got a break from pre-school/day camp before she started real school for the next 13 years of her life.  She also isn't very happy that I am back to work either (she hid my lunch cooler this morning so that I couldn't pack my lunch & therefore couldn't go to work ).. There are many periods with a lot of crying and screeching about me leaving her.  Fun times!


She is also very health minded recently.  She asks if everything she is putting in her mouth is healthy, and then argues with us about the validity of our claims - "No, half a Hostess cupcake is not good for you, Sweetie" I say.  And then the hubby says, "But if you eat it in moderation, everything will be ok" (which I disagree with).  Afterwards, he asked me what is in a hostess cupcake, and I estimated the recipe with the worst things I could think of (bleached flour, sugar, hydrogenated oil, palm oil, etc.) and was surprised it was even worse than I thought (forgot the corn syrup & high fructose corn syrup & more). I am trying to push veggies, fruit, whole grains, small amounts of nuts and beans as healthy food.  The hubby adds in fish (I slightly disagree based on his suggested frequency), meat (disagree), poultry (disagree), dairy (disagree).  It is tricky being in a relationship where we have such different feelings about food - but he did have kidney stones (caused by excessive animal protein consumption & dairy), and he is rethinking his whole stance on nutrition... if only I could get him to read some books and stop buying salami.


This weekend, I was able to work on my garden for the first time in forever.  I am sure the neighbors threw a party (no HOA in my neighborhood) because the 3 ft. high grass was removed...


It was so fun to get out my hatchet and start whacking down the jungle.  I should have taken before/after photos.  I trimmed the tree (looked like a whole tree in the garbage can), weed-whacked the grass, pulled out dozens of ruellia vines that have spread across the yard (hundreds left), trimmed up the palm tree, reshaped the plumbago, and yanked all the weeds that I could see.  I ran out of steam after about 45 minutes, and took the remaining 15 to sweep it up (despite the wind's interference).  I realized that the wild morning glory that passed over the fence to our yard has infiltrated the ruellia so fiercely, I need another plan of attack to remove it.  Beware, little ones...

Detour

My sister is a survivor of workplace violence.  This week at her office, a Columbine situation occurred in which 2 of her good friends were shot.  She works at a small company, and everyone knows one another.  She has been there for seven years - through the good times and challenging times.  This company  has been branded a top workplace in the city for several years in a row.  The people who work there go out for drinks after work at least once a week. People voluntarily hang out together in her company.

On Thursday, my sister's colleague/boss had a meeting with her in the morning where they joked, talked about upcoming plans, and had a nice time.  Allegedly, immediately afterwards, he then went shot the CEO in the stomach and head, and then himself in the head.  We haven't heard if there were a suicide note.  The CEO may survive.  He might be a vegetable.  We don't know at this point.

The colleague was a really nice guy who has been with the company 25 years.  He was staunchly publicly against guns, did not own guns, nor have a license for guns.  He was married and had 3 grown up children.  He was the developer and creator of the software the company sells & held Master degrees in psychology and computer science. He was a funny, sweet, nice, thoughtful guy.  In fact, when my sister talked about work, his name often came up in our conversations because he was a lot of fun & a reason she stayed there.

It has been a few days, and the same questions keep racing through my head throughout the day and especially in the wee hours of the morning.

What happened??? What would cause someone to completely derail like this? Where would he get the illegal gun?  Who was he?  How could he go from being Mr Jokey with my sister to a killer a few minutes later? How did this happen?  How did they miss the signs?  Was he in his right mind?  Could it have been the CEOs gun?  They supposedly struggled... how would the police know?

Then my thoughts descend further into bigger questions - Do we ever really know people? Do we know what people are capable of? Can I trust anyone?  Could I do something like this in the right situation?

I know I am not the most logical person in the world, being the INFJ that I am.  Sure, I usually make good decisions (J) but the NF is a dominant personality trait.  I look at Sofie in the midst of temper tantrums, and she is definitely NOT logical in those moments. Sofie will lash out, kick, scream, hit, scratch, bite, twist, spit, and act like a maniac if she doesn't get her way.  Do we ever lose that urge?  Is my perception of society really veiled with violence that I choose to believe doesn't exist?  On tough days at work, when I was going to cross fit, the trainers would bring out the lead pipes and tires so we could beat them until we are tired.  Is that the same urge that affected my sister's boss in his last moment?

Is it that guns make death too easily accessible in our insane moments?  If the guy had the option to bring a lead pipe to work instead, would he have beat him senseless?  Or would he use a knife in the workplace?

I am feeling haunted by these questions.  There is no real answer.

Of course we are at very low risk of having a life altering event occur at work.  Downsizing the organization always leaves an opening for retaliation.  As a manager within my organization, there have been a few times in which I was worried about the possible domino effect of making changes & possible outcomes by changing people around.  Luckily nothing ever happened to me (besides death threat phone calls and people stealing my hub caps).

So as I head into the next work week, I am sending many prayers for all the families affected by the tragic shooting.  For the CEO who might not live, his family, the shooter who will be remembered for this heinous act, his family, and all the staff at my sister's company who have to go back into the office and deal with the fact that the office was filled with blood and someone died an ugly death down the hall.  I hope they will survive, keep their jobs, and that no one will fall into the pit of despair.

Looking up

My ankle has been doing much better lately, and once I remembered the basic pain management protocol (don't let the pain get away from you) (thanks mom), I medicated, got it under control, and things are under control now.

I have been able to walk around with the boot more easily, and I even started being able to ride a stationary bike.  That part is really exciting.

Lately, Sofie has been struggling.  She has had a few changes to her life this summer - me breaking my ankles, changing from preschool to day camp, taking swimming lessons, having her Dad pay a lot of attention to me, her friends not being available like they were.  I think it is a lot to process, and the outcome is that she has a very short fuse & is quick to get angry in a second.  She has been overreacting to tiny things, and the tantrums seem to span days.  She also refuses to get out of bed, go to camp, talk... They are tough time.

Once she gets out of her dark place, she will talk to us about what is going on with her, but we don't seem to be able to temper her reaction with our discussions.  I hope that as I regain mobility & her life stabilizes with kindergarten that things will calm down.

Meanwhile, her tantrums are pretty amazing to experience.

Slow going

I am feeling blue today. My ankle has been hurting like crazy since the doctor released me to walk in the boot. Every step is agony in the joint and when I sit down, the pain doesn't lesson for hours. Painkillers don't make much of a dent in it, and I am beyond wits with what to so.

I called the doctor when it was so bad earlier this week, and they claimed it was normal. My physical therapist was kind of shocked & speechless with the swelling, but then said you should just ice it more.

I am afraid that something is really wrong. I am afraid that I will never walk again or run or dance. I will call again on Monday to discuss with the doctor's nurse - and it is just another 2 weeks away until I see the surgeon again.  I saw the X-rays. My bones looked like the were healed but then why does it hurt so bad?

Meanwhile, the hubby and Sofie are running around town without me and I feel so alone. My family is tired of talking to me on the phone every day (with me having so little changed from day to day) and my friends are busy running around.

I booked some trips for later this year to look forward to, but what if I can't walk?  Disaster.

Personal growth?

A couple months off work is a long time.

I would like to say that I spent my time well doing my non-moving hobbies like painting, playing music, reading, writing, meditating, planning for the future, etc.

However, I gorged on all the TV that I missed over the last 15 years - Firefly (ok rewatched), Freaks and Geeks, House of Cards, Fringe, New Girl, Orphan Black, Hot in Cleveland, Tree House masters ... And rejected a lot of the mainstream TV that people recommended - Breaking Bad (too violent & didn't like the characters), Orange is the new black (didn't like the characters), Once upon a time (wouldn't stream), dexter (too violent), Sherlock (just wasn't interesting to me), lilyhammer (didn't like the characters), and more ...  Oh, and I watched the World Cup with an avid football lover.

I also read a lot of books, both old and new to me, and did a lot of sleeping. I am not sure it was the most productive use of time, but it took me away from my troubles.

Yesterday I was finally released to start walking with a boot, and now that I started, I am in terrible pain again. I migrated back to the wheel chair & crutches this afternoon. Transitions are tricky.

The World Cup is wrapping up and I am set to start working from home again.  I guess this journey is wrapping up to a certain degree in the next few weeks.

I discovered some spirituality in this journey. I reconnected with my husband and daughter by living in the living room for 2 months. I discovered I have great friends who were amazingly supportive. I reconnected with old friends too.

I was forced to be more vulnerable than I have been since I was a child. I had a glimpse of what handicap and elderly people experience. It isn't pretty.

I still don't know what I want to do with my life (except be a wife and mom and friend). I do know I want to be healthy. And that is enough for now.

Healing & reason

Well, it's been about four weeks since I had the tragic fall. I am still not walking, and I am still not working. The days span for endless hours every day, and I am waiting for the enlightenment. Why have I gotten hurt? What was I supposed to learn? Why won't the pain stop? I just do not understand.

I usually think that things happen for the best. Maybe I don't understand the reason why now, but the reason will show itself to me later. The universe is supposed to be unfolding with perfect order and truth. And here I sit unenlightened. Alone. A burden on my family. Needy. It kills me. Everyone I know is working. Everyone I know has a life. And here I sit.

At the beginning, my friends  were very available to me. And one by one that interest has waned. It's not much fun to hang out with a cripple. I won't be able to drive for several months. We just finally got a handicap parking sticker for the car so that when my husband drives me to different appointments, we can park in the handicapped spaces and be able to get me on my wheelchair. We've been trying to park in normal spaces and it has been very challenging when people park next to the car. Anyway I'm getting off subject.

I am healing. My ankles are much stronger than They were a month ago. Resting all day is supposed to be good for me.

It's just hard to be vulnerable. It's hard to put myself out there. It's hard to know I'm not invincible. It's hard to know I can't do it all. That there are limits. Maybe that's what I was supposed to learn. Time will tell.

The misstep

I don't know if you heard what happened to me as I was standing on a street corner going out to dinner with my husband and Sofie. It was a beautiful evening, about 76° and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. We were waiting for the crosswalk to turn green and my heel slept on a little bump on the wheelchair ramp, and my foot folded and cracked. I try to save myself with the other foot but crashed to the ground. I made a noise and felt pain. I knew something was very very wrong and people rushed to my aid - both strangers and the couple who were supposed to meet for the first time.

When I got to the hospital, I learned I fractured one ankle in three places and sprained the other ankle tearing the ligaments from the bone. It was a disaster. I was hospitalized for a week (and has surgery). I came home a few days ago to a changed world.

I am unable to walk on either leg. I will be in a wheelchair for the next 3 to 4 months. I'm living on the first floor of our house with a porta potty, a wheelchair and a hospital bed. I've been told that I won't be able to drive for at least four months so I will be housebound for quite a while. It's unbelievable.

Sofie seems to have taken it in her stride. She accepts that mommy has a broken leg and she gives me extra special hugs and kisses. My husband has resigned himself to the fact that I need assistance for everything from going to the bathroom to changing where I sit. We have a half bath on the ground floor and I will not be showering/bathing for 4 months. He will pick up the shopping, cooks clean and arrange our day-to-day activities, and I feel so guilty that I'm unable to achieve anything.  The days with a sponge bath are the exciting ones. Actually, moving from bed pan to porta potty was my biggest achievement to date. It is a new world.

My friends have been outstanding. I am so incredibly grateful to those who have provided words of encouragement, who have come to visit me, who have sent their love and prayers across the world. I wouldn't be able to make it through without you. I found out that you can pay for nurses to come and visit your house, or physical therapists, or friends, and I think it must be so incredibly sad for people who don't have the incredible infrastructure that I have. I say a little prayer for these people now each evening knowing how hard it to survive.

As I sit here I really am wondering what I should be doing with this extra time. In a way it's a gift. I was wishing that I had more time to spend with my husband and Sofie, and I was wishing I had time to read books and spend more time on me. I never would've imagined that I could hurt myself so badly so easily and that I would be off for such a long period of time.

Should I be meditating? Should I be painting? Should I be playing music?or organizing my life? Should I be working on adopting another child? Writing a book? Scouting for jobs?

I really don't know the answer. I've gotten a lot of suggestions and none of them ring true. I have a vast blank canvas with multimedia and paints and brushes standing at attention. The light is perfect. The view is perfect. And I am blocked.

The answer should be clear and yet I find myself paralyzed on the edge of the abyss.

It is hard to really say what impact this is going to have in my life. I hope I'll keep my job. I hope I have the means to pay for this accident.

It is very hard to understand why did I get so hurt and why I'm having these issues. It's really astounding that such a minor fall could produce such extravagant results.

What am I projecting to the world that would reflect the collapse of my body?