One question that people ask is... If I knew how it would be after we adopted Sofie with the transition now, how would we change things?
To bring you up to speed...
- Sofie is adopted from China
- She came from a foster home living situation (had same foster parents her whole life)
- She was 2.5 when she was adopted
- She is a Special Needs child (cleft lip/palate)
- She is from the 3rd most polluted city in China
- 4 million people on the planet speak her first language (which is Mandarin-like, but not Mandarin)
- We had friends that spoke Mandarin
- We are an international family already.
I am an engineer in education, and you would think that I would have done infinite research about foreign adoptions, special needs, how to teach a child a foreign language, how to have your child cope with adoption, etc., etc., etc.
Instead, my husband and I went in mostly blind. We did the required Hague education that was required. We did some basic research about cleft palate recovery, reading some amazing horror stories. You wouldn't believe the kind of terrible information out there - talking about how many children have autism, sub par IQ, horrendous surgery experience, a life long speech impediments after 20+ surgeries. It made me want to stop the process all together, so I stopped reading.
I did read a Chinese culture book to prepare for the trip to China. We did look up the sights we were going to see in Beijing. Besides this and the materials, that was it.
We did fine in Beijing, skipping the western restaurants and walking into the most packed restaurants we could find full of locals.
In Taiyuan, the pollution was BAD. I couldn't walk outside for more than 10 minutes without having severe breathing issues and chest pain. The chemical smell was pretty terrible from the moment the plane started descending until we left the city a week later. I hadn't realized it was so polluted and that Sofie would come home with so many heavy metals in her.
We were told that she would be prepared for the adoption. Looking back, I see that there is no way you could prepare a little person for such a life altering event. Her foster parents loved her with all their hearts and did their best. I am not convinced they had her best intentions at heart by including all kinds of mementos in secret spots in her backpack and around her neck and in CDs and stuff. These items cause her to break out in hysteria even a year later. I hadn't realized they would do this.
The language barrier was huge. We learned a few phrases like "I love you, bathroom, yes, no, etc." in Chinese before we left. This was all we needed. We had the backup plan about using our Mandarin speaking friend, but they had big communication problems too since the dialect was so different. Google Translate (Mandarin basic) worked the best.
Eventually, Sofie started learning English, but those first few months were very hard. Very hard. The little reading I did indicated she would be fluent in 3-6 months. It was more like 9 months for full fluency, and it has been such a blessing now that she does speak English properly. When we went to the park, I would see how other 3 year olds communicated with their moms and she was definitely behind in that respect. She is about equal a year and a half later, though she really does like to say as little as possible most of the time. She isn't into reading books with us most of the time, although she knows her ABCs both singing and written. She likes to hear stories now which is definitely exciting too.
Sending her to preschool was definitely a good way to ensure she learned English. She had to do it to communicate with the teachers and other children, and her progress made huge leaps and bounds once she was in school. I would do it again.
Her fluency journey coincided with an early cleft palate surgery. The timing was quick because she was accepted into a program, a spot came available sooner than expected, and her overall language development was going to be severely impaired by the current situation (and create really bad habits that would be hard to recover from in the long run). She really didn't know what was happening. It was a tough time in recovery. She thought we had done surgery on both arms (instead of her mouth) because there were physical restraints on her to keep her hands out of her mouth. It would have been nice to be able to explain some of that to her.
Regarding her specific cleft palate case, it will likely be 3 surgeries total. Her first surgery in the US was very successful and the speech pathologist is ecstatic about her progress. She is a very smart little girl with no autism or learning disabilities. She did have heavy metals in her body, but they are being leeched out slowly by being in a different environment. The high lead readings have not caused any serious damage.
From a bonding perspective, I had read some stories about how un-affectionate children from China could be. Sofie was very much into being held (maybe more than I imagined) and cuddled from the get go. We taught her how to give kisses. We have developed a very strong bond. For me it was immediate. For my husband, it took longer. It was worth it.
At the end of the day, I wouldn't change anything except to toss the materials that I read beforehand (except for the Chinese culture book). It wasn't worth the worry to research cleft palate ahead of time except to find the best local resources for once she got here. It wasn't worth it to worry about her intelligence. The bonding happened on its own. Learning English took time. We kept our language clear and concise and basic for awhile.
If I could have changed anything, it would be:
- Worry less about how she would be beforehand. Things work out for the best.
- Delay the surgery a few months.
- Make sure I had dedicated "me time." I lost myself a bit when I went back to work, and it took illness to find myself again.
- Engage with other children earlier. We waited 6 months.
I would definitely adopt her again and again.
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