Guilt

It has been a crazy year so far with 2 jobs, 2 bouts of food poisoning, a cold, blowing out my knee and everything in between.  This month, my job really went into high gear, and I am working way more hours (about 4 extra per day) than I have in a long time.  It coincides with hurting my knee and not being able to work out like I was, so there really hasn't been a lot of stress relief going on throughout my days. I did get a steroid injection which made me feel like superman for about 45 minutes... Until I went for a long walk and limped back.  So, physical therapy ho.

Lately, I find myself dealing with feelings of guilt - why can't I give more to my job (even though I am already giving them more hours than they really deserve... But when I compared myself to my peers, they work about 4 more hours per day (yes, 16 hours per day plus weekends)... And I just don't have that in me.  And I feel resentful that I have to work that much anyway.  I enjoy my work, but it adds up to an enormous amount of time each week.

I also guilt myself about seeing Sofie enough ... I wake up at 5:30 and see her between 6:40-7:05 every morning. Then, I get home at 7:30 pm and see her until 8:15ish. And usually I haven't actually had a second to myself all day by the time I get home (I HATE driving, it isn't special me-time), so the last thing I want to do is spend 45 minutes doing the night night time routine, and I feel guilty about that too. Her dad usually does the routine most days lately, and I do appreciate it.  I just need a few minutes for me to breathe and be.

Then, when I do sit in those moments, I feel disgusted by myself for not working out (even though my shoulder and knee are broken) and chastise myself for not eating healthily all day. Once Sofie goes to bed, the hubby and I have a few minutes before bed... And then I am starting all over again.

I know I need to out the boundaries back in with work. I know I need to get off my ass when I get home and move. I know it isn't normal for a 30-something lady to want to nap all weekend, but I am struggling for the balance within my life.

This morning, I was feeling proud because I made chocolate chip banana pancakes with Sofie and had painted her nails in rainbow sparkly colors before 10... And by noon I cleaned the bathroom ... But after lunch, I just needed a break. The hubby has come in and saved the day by going on a bike ride with her and working on the yard outside while I read a book, do laundry, and do weekly stuff.

I really thought I would have it all together by now. When I was growing up, everything seemed so structured. I am guilty about it being a tornado with random chunks everywhere. I don't clean the house very often. I never go to the grocery. I haven't been to the kids birthday parties (except my kid).  I only go to the park a couple times a month. They don't know me at my kid's school.

It isn't how I imagined it at all. And I am plagued by guilt about not being the best parent in the world about not being there when she might need me. About not taking care of the stuff I am supposed to take care of.  I know it is probably more me than the world who is judging me, and yet, I can't get it out of my mind that I am not enough.