Sunday, March 31, 2013

Highs and Lows

It's funny.  I have experienced one of my biggest highs and largest lows since we got Sofie over the last 24 hours.

Let's talk about the high first.  This is personal, and I don't think I have shared this with anyone.

My whole Sofie adventure really started when I went to a football game in Scotland with one my male colleagues.  He was an avid supporter of the team we went to see, and it was a cold gloomy day in Scotland.  Typically when my husband watches any game, he is uncommunicative and doesn't like to talk about anything except maybe a related football story.  If it is HIS team playing, he is biting his nails the whole 90 minutes and it is inadvisable to talk to him.  He is moody and frustrated and the atmosphere in the house is shitty for the whole game (and potentially half the day depending on the results).

With this colleague, he showed joy for being there, and he was open to talking about just about anything.  He initiated many non-football related conversations (since I have been trained to be silent).  In the middle of the game, there was a little 4 year old boy who was trying to see what was happening with the game and everyone was standing.  My colleague noticed the boy and was touched by the little boy's father who hoisted him up on his shoulders so he could see the game.  My husband wouldn't notice if I were on the floor bleeding to death.

In that moment, I realized I could have this life if I wanted.  I really wanted a little girl and my husband hadn't been keen.  I saw that there were people out there who be interested in little people and talk to me during football games.  It was then that I decided I would start the quest for my little girl and try to improve the relationship we have.

This story comes full circle because yesterday, we went to our first professional football game with Sofie.  The weather was fine, people were wearing jersey's of the local team at dinner, and we realized we could make the game.  We went over, and Sofie was so excited.  We got tickets, walked in, sat down, and watched the game.  My husband was excited to be here and willing to talk.  He noticed the little girl between us on the seats.  Some ladies in the row below us gave Sofie a soccer ball and called her a "cute little thing".  It was a magic moment.  The circle was complete.

So, this morning is Easter Sunday.  The Easter Bunny visited our house and left a carnage of candy and eggs everywhere.  Sofie had a few and was riding high.  My husband asked if I wanted to take her to ecstatic dance.  We have been doing it off and on since Christmas on Sundays.  It gives him a couple hours to himself, and it lets me dance (my favorite thing).  Also, there is room for Sofie to spin and play.  The only downside is that the group spends 10-30 minutes talking about feelings in the middle of the event, and Sofie struggles with the downtime.  She is more of a "go, go, go" kind of girl.

The rules for the dance are that there is no judgement and everyone is free to express themselves.  They advise to try not to talk but to dance.  Noises are ok (like screaming, animal noises, crying, etc.).  They say children are ok and this is an opportunity for us to come together and express joy in a safe way.  They want parents to stay with their kids so they don't get hurt.

This morning, according to the weekly email, the dance started early.  I thought we had avoided the downtime by arriving late.  We got there, and music was playing.  Sofie and I spun together round and round and round and round.  She got comfortable after awhile and started dancing by herself.  She was so joyful and happy, and I was really happy to be dancing and to be seeing her joy.  Suddenly, they turned off the music and asked everyone to get in the circle.  Sofie was there for a second and then went in the middle of the circle and started running around.  The people around me were fine with it saying that she was experiencing the joy they hoped to experience.  The moderator asked me to get her out.  I took her outside to the foyer and outside to see a parrot while they talked.  They talked for 20 minutes or more.  Eventually the music started again, and we danced to a couple of songs.  Sofie was really into it.  Then a woman came up to me and started telling me that parents had to restrain their kids and that it wasn't ok that Sofie would say a few words out loud while she danced.  It wasn't ok for her to sing.  She also said I had to teach Sofie how to do a quiet time if I wanted to be there and told me that it would help if I told Sofie it was a quiet time (like I haven't done this a zillion times).  I thanked her for her feedback.  I had been trying.  Sofie is high spirited and having a dancing outlet has been great for us.  She is 3. She doesn't know her loud voice/soft voice very well.  She likes to wiggle and doesn't do really quiet time.  I feel very judged.  I have been doing my best.  I started to cry when the lady was finished.  I decided that we should leave.  I couldn't get my tears under control.  Sofie was really sad to be leaving because she was having such a great time.   This was the first time I had felt comfortable there by myself without my girlfriend who usually comes with us. I am home now and still feel sad.  I had been wide open to receive, and the negative really threw me.

I thought I had found a place where I could be myself and be happy, but I am still looking.  Maybe another day.  Maybe we make our own playlist and dance at home.  We will see.

Happy Easter.


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