Well, Monday was my official day back to work. It was tough. Yesterday was worse. There are a lot of new policies, and as I read them I got depressed. I don't like what I am seeing, and it makes me crazy that there is nothing that I can do to affect it. My philosophy is so fundamentally different, I feel like I am living a lie.
How can I teach Sofie the right values, when I struggle to assimilate all the demands placed on me on a given day? How do I teach her to make the right decisions when there is no right decision? How do I navigate through the snake pit and have my sanity at the end?
While I was sick, I spent a lot of time thinking about the types of jobs that have been created over the last 200 years. There have been some amazing advances, but there are also jobs that are a bunch of busy work that really don't serve a higher purpose besides having a guy get a bigger bonus at the end of the year for making/saving money.
Where I fit into this global network is really unclear to me. I want to make a difference. I want to do something meaningful. I want to help mankind. I want to feel useful. I am failing at the moment. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to cry at night. I don't want to come home and want to get drunk every day. That isn't living.
I need to figure out that balance. I need to incorporate it with our lifestyle and finances. I need to ensure we have the resources we need for our children. It is hard. The path is invisible to me. I will keep looking.
No comments:
Post a Comment