Life isn't fair. We don't always get what we want. Some people get what they want without trying, and it can be hard. Some people get things that they don't want/need and they throw them away. It can feel terrible knowing how little someone else respects what I value. There is no explaining or justifying why things happen the way they do. We won't ever get those answers, and as we move through our lives, I believe it is important to see the big picture and be where we are.
When I started my journey to having a child, I was very hopeful I would get pregnant. It didn't happen. People around me continued to get pregnant, and although I was sometimes envious as hell, I was also so happy for the people who were getting their child because I new the child was a miracle. The child symbolized hope and brought forth a new little person to love and to cherish.
Some people around us didn't get pregnant as they went in their personal journeys. They had IVF and it did not work. Numerous times. It was heart breaking. Marriages were shaky;some broke up & they decided it wasn't meant to be since they couldn't have kids together. Other friends got pregnant and then miscarried. Even worse. I saw this and was scared. Some had IVF and it worked. Others did surrogate with success.
I realized i had a fertility problem in 2002. After getting over my heart break at the likelihood of natural conception, it took another 7 years to get to the point where my husband agreed we could adopt. It took a 6 months to find an agency and another year to do the paperwork and get the approvals. A year after that, we realized it was going to take 5-8 years to get a child from China (times had changed). We considered special needs and were matched with a little boy. He fell through because he was too sick to travel. It broke my heart.
After this, people in my life volunteered to do surrogate for us, because I was the problem in the reproduction arena. They took back the offer after a few months when things got serious. It destroyed me. Looking back, there is a black hole in my memory.
A few months aterwards, I had an intervention with a stranger in a courtyard at a church I had just started attending. We both went to an early service that had been cancelled without notice. I hadn't really talked to anyone about it, and she helped me. it was a chance meeting.
After that, I started to feel hope again that my child was out there. We started working with a different adoption agency & started the paper chase again.
Once we had finally got all our ducks in a row with the new agency, the original agency came through with Sofie.
Meanwhile, many friends & colleagues in my life got pregnant. They are still getting pregnant - many of them having first children. Some had infertility issues. Some got pregnant right away. There is no rhyme or reason to it all,
Yes, sometimes I railed at the injustice of it all, but I am joyful that other people didn't have to suffer like I did. I am relieved that for many others, everything came together. I can see the beauty of pregnancy, and I am still amazed by the human body and how life propagates. New people are created every day, and I marvel at how it all comes together.
It isn't fair that I won't get a child that is a mix of our DNA. I did get a child who has an amazing personality and loves me to death. However, at the end of the day, it is my journey. Who knows? I might get pregnant yet someday without even trying. I have stopped trying to explain why things happen and accept that this is what it is.
I love my friends and I truly feel joy for their joy with pregnancy. I don't want to take away from their happiness. Just because I haven't been pregnant, doesn't mean I can't be supportive and loving as always.
Not every option works for everyone. It's ok. We are in it together. That's how I feel.
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