As busy has life has been, the thought of a second child has been floating around in my head for several weeks. I first had the thought the day after we got Sofie... but it was too soon. As we adjusted to one another, the thought remained, but I put it off. We weren't ready for another child. I went back to work, and I couldn't imagine the thought of handling two at a time. I got sick and had a lot of time at home, and I imagined what the second one would be like.
We started looking into it again with China, and it will be exactly the same process. It is likely it will take another 2-3 years, and if we plan to do that, we should have started yesterday. Also, we would have to do special needs again (not that there is anything wrong with special needs... Any newly adopted child has special needs compared to a child that has been with you since the beginning). The cost is frightening (again).
We also have the option to adopt locally, but there is always the uncertainty that the birth parents will change their mind. It also could take quite a while. And most of the children up for adoption in our region (per the adoption agency we spoke with) are a result of not pleasant circumstances most of the time. Of course there are exceptions. In some ways, it is a relief not to know where Sofie came from.
We got an email this week from Children of All Nations, and Haiti has opened up. They also posted a video about international adoptions (http://vimeo.com/59302895) that made me want to do it even more. There are so many children out there who we could help. The politics make it hard, but for me it is all about love and opening your heart. So, a little boy or girl from Haiti is on my mind tonight. It would be wonderful to have a brother or sister for Sofie. I think our family would be an amazing spot for at least 1 more child. I don't know how we would handle work, play, etc. with another kid; things are already hectic and harried. Everyone else seems to be able to do it, so why not?
On the other hand, part of me want to do a career change, and having another child would definitely put me on the back burner. I would also like to relocate to a less polluted more outdoorsy-friendly place. It is hard to prioritize when you want so many things. :) I am blessed to have so many options. I also don't know which way is up. Hopefully the path will become more clear in coming weeks.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Adventure, Ho! Passport to the world
Today started off like any other day, except I had an teleconference at 6:30 in the morning. I woke up that 45 minutes early and was out the door on time. I made it to the office 30 minutes later, on time. (Yay!). The conference had some technical challenges, and my part was ok once I got going. I wonder how many people really watched it and how effective it was... There were supposed to be like 400 people on the line... I am getting off subject. It was a day like any other day. There were a couple teleconferences after that, and then we had a special team meeting to discuss some upcoming workflow changes.
We have had it on our list to get Sofie a passport for a year and a half. Push finally came to shove a few weeks ago when we bought tickets to travel the world. Suddenly the need was a reality, and we had to get moving. Her Dad got the paperwork done, and we set an appointment time with the post office. For small children, both parents have to be there with passports, copies of passports, passport pictures, marriage licenses, social security cards, a partridge and a pair tree. Oh, and the child had to accompany us too. Fun times!
Her dad and I coordinated times with the precision of military generals. We both arrived from opposite sides of town within 10 seconds of one another - an amazing feat. Sofie looked adorable as always in her jeans, pink belt, pink cupcake t-shirt, red socks, and electric blue shiny patent leather shoes. She had her hair in an (unintentional) side pony tale. We were 15 minutes early for our appointment!
I asked the hubby if everything was ready. He said yes; they have a passport picture machine at the post office we should use & a copy machine for the paperwork. We grabbed Sofie's hand and walked inside the post office. It was deserted! I felt like I had fallen into a magic world with a helpful, efficient post office people. We asked about the passport appointment and the customer service rep had taken a step out for a moment. We waited 20 minutes in a little tape drawn box on the floor. Eventually the passport lady came, and my hubby asked about the passport photo machine & copies of the passports. DENIED! Both machines were broken. They gave us [faulty] instructions to the nearest library, and we also hit the CVS down the street. The library was open (yay!) and the copies were done. CHECK. At CVS, they pulled down the white screen, gave her a whirl on a stool, and took a lovely picture. They said to check back in within the next 10 minutes for the picture. I did a quick run around with Sofie and found some toiletries I was missing and a water colors paint set I thought she would enjoy. We got in line ... The 3 people ahead of us checked out. That is when things started going downhill. The photo printing machine was broken. Could we came back tomorrow? they asked. Umm. No. Was there another place close to here? No.
So, by this time, it is 11:40. I have now been absent from work for 70 minutes, and there is no end in site. We head back to the post office to see if they could cut us some slack (ID me, compare my passport picture with my face, and then let me go back to work and let the hubby take care of the passport picture somewhere else). After conferring with the boss, the rep says they can't help us. They need all documents to be together. Once we have assembled everything, we can go to the front of the line.
Now, we get in the car (again) and I check my phone to see where Walgreens is. I call Walgreens to see if their machine is working (because it seems like passport machines are always broken). Walgreens tells me it is broken and then they change their mind and say it is working. They tell me to come now, so we drive a mile and a half away. We go in. No one is at the photo counter. A lady that is familiar with the checkers shouts down that they need someone in photos. Then she comes over and takes the 1 machine that is working and starts scanning a pile of 100 pictures for making copies in her album. They take the picture of us, and 25 minutes later our passport picture prints out. Ridiculous.
We drive back to the post office (again). It is now 12:15, and there is a huge line. Not out the door long, but 10 people long. The hubby moves to the little passport box on the floor, and I get in the line. 15 minutes later, it is our turn in the long line. We are denied by a different passport lady. She grunts "get inside the box. I will do passports when the line goes down." Umm, the stream of people coming in is non-stop. 30 minutes later, we are still hanging out in the box. Meanwhile, another lady joins our line for the passport. We start talking after awhile, and I tell her the situation. I have accepted (kind of) where we are. You can't change the process most of the time. It isn't a fight worth fighting for me. Meanwhile, Sofie has fallen asleep on her dad's shoulder. The other lady gets more and more frustrated and cuts in the normal post office line to see why we aren't getting processed.
Te passport lady repeats what she said to me. Without making eye contact. Without stopping what she was doing. Finally around 1:00, business tapers off and we are finally processed in 5 minutes.
Halleluah.
The passport process started. She made us make out a check to the postmaster general for 25 bucks, and I hope that didn't go in her pocket. I didn't make an issue out of it because I wanted to get the darn passport.
I finally got back to work 2 hours later than I expected ... and there was a train blocking my path to the office anyway... and by the time I returned, everyone was missing. And the canteen was closed for lunch.
What is the moral of my story?
- Expect the unexpected when dealing with the post office and global teleconferences
- Don't argue with the post master
- Get everything done before you go to the post office. The photo taking machine is always broken.
- Apply for passports at least 6 weeks before you travel
- Laugh at the ridiculousness of it all
We have had it on our list to get Sofie a passport for a year and a half. Push finally came to shove a few weeks ago when we bought tickets to travel the world. Suddenly the need was a reality, and we had to get moving. Her Dad got the paperwork done, and we set an appointment time with the post office. For small children, both parents have to be there with passports, copies of passports, passport pictures, marriage licenses, social security cards, a partridge and a pair tree. Oh, and the child had to accompany us too. Fun times!
Her dad and I coordinated times with the precision of military generals. We both arrived from opposite sides of town within 10 seconds of one another - an amazing feat. Sofie looked adorable as always in her jeans, pink belt, pink cupcake t-shirt, red socks, and electric blue shiny patent leather shoes. She had her hair in an (unintentional) side pony tale. We were 15 minutes early for our appointment!
I asked the hubby if everything was ready. He said yes; they have a passport picture machine at the post office we should use & a copy machine for the paperwork. We grabbed Sofie's hand and walked inside the post office. It was deserted! I felt like I had fallen into a magic world with a helpful, efficient post office people. We asked about the passport appointment and the customer service rep had taken a step out for a moment. We waited 20 minutes in a little tape drawn box on the floor. Eventually the passport lady came, and my hubby asked about the passport photo machine & copies of the passports. DENIED! Both machines were broken. They gave us [faulty] instructions to the nearest library, and we also hit the CVS down the street. The library was open (yay!) and the copies were done. CHECK. At CVS, they pulled down the white screen, gave her a whirl on a stool, and took a lovely picture. They said to check back in within the next 10 minutes for the picture. I did a quick run around with Sofie and found some toiletries I was missing and a water colors paint set I thought she would enjoy. We got in line ... The 3 people ahead of us checked out. That is when things started going downhill. The photo printing machine was broken. Could we came back tomorrow? they asked. Umm. No. Was there another place close to here? No.
So, by this time, it is 11:40. I have now been absent from work for 70 minutes, and there is no end in site. We head back to the post office to see if they could cut us some slack (ID me, compare my passport picture with my face, and then let me go back to work and let the hubby take care of the passport picture somewhere else). After conferring with the boss, the rep says they can't help us. They need all documents to be together. Once we have assembled everything, we can go to the front of the line.
Now, we get in the car (again) and I check my phone to see where Walgreens is. I call Walgreens to see if their machine is working (because it seems like passport machines are always broken). Walgreens tells me it is broken and then they change their mind and say it is working. They tell me to come now, so we drive a mile and a half away. We go in. No one is at the photo counter. A lady that is familiar with the checkers shouts down that they need someone in photos. Then she comes over and takes the 1 machine that is working and starts scanning a pile of 100 pictures for making copies in her album. They take the picture of us, and 25 minutes later our passport picture prints out. Ridiculous.
We drive back to the post office (again). It is now 12:15, and there is a huge line. Not out the door long, but 10 people long. The hubby moves to the little passport box on the floor, and I get in the line. 15 minutes later, it is our turn in the long line. We are denied by a different passport lady. She grunts "get inside the box. I will do passports when the line goes down." Umm, the stream of people coming in is non-stop. 30 minutes later, we are still hanging out in the box. Meanwhile, another lady joins our line for the passport. We start talking after awhile, and I tell her the situation. I have accepted (kind of) where we are. You can't change the process most of the time. It isn't a fight worth fighting for me. Meanwhile, Sofie has fallen asleep on her dad's shoulder. The other lady gets more and more frustrated and cuts in the normal post office line to see why we aren't getting processed.
Te passport lady repeats what she said to me. Without making eye contact. Without stopping what she was doing. Finally around 1:00, business tapers off and we are finally processed in 5 minutes.
Halleluah.
The passport process started. She made us make out a check to the postmaster general for 25 bucks, and I hope that didn't go in her pocket. I didn't make an issue out of it because I wanted to get the darn passport.
I finally got back to work 2 hours later than I expected ... and there was a train blocking my path to the office anyway... and by the time I returned, everyone was missing. And the canteen was closed for lunch.
What is the moral of my story?
- Expect the unexpected when dealing with the post office and global teleconferences
- Don't argue with the post master
- Get everything done before you go to the post office. The photo taking machine is always broken.
- Apply for passports at least 6 weeks before you travel
- Laugh at the ridiculousness of it all
Sunday, April 7, 2013
If I knew then what I knew now...
I had an idea for a post a few months back, and I hadn't had time to think about it. I have a few moments today, so I am going to go for it.
One question that people ask is... If I knew how it would be after we adopted Sofie with the transition now, how would we change things?
To bring you up to speed...
I am an engineer in education, and you would think that I would have done infinite research about foreign adoptions, special needs, how to teach a child a foreign language, how to have your child cope with adoption, etc., etc., etc.
Instead, my husband and I went in mostly blind. We did the required Hague education that was required. We did some basic research about cleft palate recovery, reading some amazing horror stories. You wouldn't believe the kind of terrible information out there - talking about how many children have autism, sub par IQ, horrendous surgery experience, a life long speech impediments after 20+ surgeries. It made me want to stop the process all together, so I stopped reading.
I did read a Chinese culture book to prepare for the trip to China. We did look up the sights we were going to see in Beijing. Besides this and the materials, that was it.
We did fine in Beijing, skipping the western restaurants and walking into the most packed restaurants we could find full of locals.
In Taiyuan, the pollution was BAD. I couldn't walk outside for more than 10 minutes without having severe breathing issues and chest pain. The chemical smell was pretty terrible from the moment the plane started descending until we left the city a week later. I hadn't realized it was so polluted and that Sofie would come home with so many heavy metals in her.
We were told that she would be prepared for the adoption. Looking back, I see that there is no way you could prepare a little person for such a life altering event. Her foster parents loved her with all their hearts and did their best. I am not convinced they had her best intentions at heart by including all kinds of mementos in secret spots in her backpack and around her neck and in CDs and stuff. These items cause her to break out in hysteria even a year later. I hadn't realized they would do this.
The language barrier was huge. We learned a few phrases like "I love you, bathroom, yes, no, etc." in Chinese before we left. This was all we needed. We had the backup plan about using our Mandarin speaking friend, but they had big communication problems too since the dialect was so different. Google Translate (Mandarin basic) worked the best.
Eventually, Sofie started learning English, but those first few months were very hard. Very hard. The little reading I did indicated she would be fluent in 3-6 months. It was more like 9 months for full fluency, and it has been such a blessing now that she does speak English properly. When we went to the park, I would see how other 3 year olds communicated with their moms and she was definitely behind in that respect. She is about equal a year and a half later, though she really does like to say as little as possible most of the time. She isn't into reading books with us most of the time, although she knows her ABCs both singing and written. She likes to hear stories now which is definitely exciting too.
Sending her to preschool was definitely a good way to ensure she learned English. She had to do it to communicate with the teachers and other children, and her progress made huge leaps and bounds once she was in school. I would do it again.
Her fluency journey coincided with an early cleft palate surgery. The timing was quick because she was accepted into a program, a spot came available sooner than expected, and her overall language development was going to be severely impaired by the current situation (and create really bad habits that would be hard to recover from in the long run). She really didn't know what was happening. It was a tough time in recovery. She thought we had done surgery on both arms (instead of her mouth) because there were physical restraints on her to keep her hands out of her mouth. It would have been nice to be able to explain some of that to her.
Regarding her specific cleft palate case, it will likely be 3 surgeries total. Her first surgery in the US was very successful and the speech pathologist is ecstatic about her progress. She is a very smart little girl with no autism or learning disabilities. She did have heavy metals in her body, but they are being leeched out slowly by being in a different environment. The high lead readings have not caused any serious damage.
From a bonding perspective, I had read some stories about how un-affectionate children from China could be. Sofie was very much into being held (maybe more than I imagined) and cuddled from the get go. We taught her how to give kisses. We have developed a very strong bond. For me it was immediate. For my husband, it took longer. It was worth it.
At the end of the day, I wouldn't change anything except to toss the materials that I read beforehand (except for the Chinese culture book). It wasn't worth the worry to research cleft palate ahead of time except to find the best local resources for once she got here. It wasn't worth it to worry about her intelligence. The bonding happened on its own. Learning English took time. We kept our language clear and concise and basic for awhile.
If I could have changed anything, it would be:
- Worry less about how she would be beforehand. Things work out for the best.
- Delay the surgery a few months.
- Make sure I had dedicated "me time." I lost myself a bit when I went back to work, and it took illness to find myself again.
- Engage with other children earlier. We waited 6 months.
I would definitely adopt her again and again.
One question that people ask is... If I knew how it would be after we adopted Sofie with the transition now, how would we change things?
To bring you up to speed...
- Sofie is adopted from China
- She came from a foster home living situation (had same foster parents her whole life)
- She was 2.5 when she was adopted
- She is a Special Needs child (cleft lip/palate)
- She is from the 3rd most polluted city in China
- 4 million people on the planet speak her first language (which is Mandarin-like, but not Mandarin)
- We had friends that spoke Mandarin
- We are an international family already.
I am an engineer in education, and you would think that I would have done infinite research about foreign adoptions, special needs, how to teach a child a foreign language, how to have your child cope with adoption, etc., etc., etc.
Instead, my husband and I went in mostly blind. We did the required Hague education that was required. We did some basic research about cleft palate recovery, reading some amazing horror stories. You wouldn't believe the kind of terrible information out there - talking about how many children have autism, sub par IQ, horrendous surgery experience, a life long speech impediments after 20+ surgeries. It made me want to stop the process all together, so I stopped reading.
I did read a Chinese culture book to prepare for the trip to China. We did look up the sights we were going to see in Beijing. Besides this and the materials, that was it.
We did fine in Beijing, skipping the western restaurants and walking into the most packed restaurants we could find full of locals.
In Taiyuan, the pollution was BAD. I couldn't walk outside for more than 10 minutes without having severe breathing issues and chest pain. The chemical smell was pretty terrible from the moment the plane started descending until we left the city a week later. I hadn't realized it was so polluted and that Sofie would come home with so many heavy metals in her.
We were told that she would be prepared for the adoption. Looking back, I see that there is no way you could prepare a little person for such a life altering event. Her foster parents loved her with all their hearts and did their best. I am not convinced they had her best intentions at heart by including all kinds of mementos in secret spots in her backpack and around her neck and in CDs and stuff. These items cause her to break out in hysteria even a year later. I hadn't realized they would do this.
The language barrier was huge. We learned a few phrases like "I love you, bathroom, yes, no, etc." in Chinese before we left. This was all we needed. We had the backup plan about using our Mandarin speaking friend, but they had big communication problems too since the dialect was so different. Google Translate (Mandarin basic) worked the best.
Eventually, Sofie started learning English, but those first few months were very hard. Very hard. The little reading I did indicated she would be fluent in 3-6 months. It was more like 9 months for full fluency, and it has been such a blessing now that she does speak English properly. When we went to the park, I would see how other 3 year olds communicated with their moms and she was definitely behind in that respect. She is about equal a year and a half later, though she really does like to say as little as possible most of the time. She isn't into reading books with us most of the time, although she knows her ABCs both singing and written. She likes to hear stories now which is definitely exciting too.
Sending her to preschool was definitely a good way to ensure she learned English. She had to do it to communicate with the teachers and other children, and her progress made huge leaps and bounds once she was in school. I would do it again.
Her fluency journey coincided with an early cleft palate surgery. The timing was quick because she was accepted into a program, a spot came available sooner than expected, and her overall language development was going to be severely impaired by the current situation (and create really bad habits that would be hard to recover from in the long run). She really didn't know what was happening. It was a tough time in recovery. She thought we had done surgery on both arms (instead of her mouth) because there were physical restraints on her to keep her hands out of her mouth. It would have been nice to be able to explain some of that to her.
Regarding her specific cleft palate case, it will likely be 3 surgeries total. Her first surgery in the US was very successful and the speech pathologist is ecstatic about her progress. She is a very smart little girl with no autism or learning disabilities. She did have heavy metals in her body, but they are being leeched out slowly by being in a different environment. The high lead readings have not caused any serious damage.
From a bonding perspective, I had read some stories about how un-affectionate children from China could be. Sofie was very much into being held (maybe more than I imagined) and cuddled from the get go. We taught her how to give kisses. We have developed a very strong bond. For me it was immediate. For my husband, it took longer. It was worth it.
At the end of the day, I wouldn't change anything except to toss the materials that I read beforehand (except for the Chinese culture book). It wasn't worth the worry to research cleft palate ahead of time except to find the best local resources for once she got here. It wasn't worth it to worry about her intelligence. The bonding happened on its own. Learning English took time. We kept our language clear and concise and basic for awhile.
If I could have changed anything, it would be:
- Worry less about how she would be beforehand. Things work out for the best.
- Delay the surgery a few months.
- Make sure I had dedicated "me time." I lost myself a bit when I went back to work, and it took illness to find myself again.
- Engage with other children earlier. We waited 6 months.
I would definitely adopt her again and again.
Tough Love
I like to sleep with my own personal space.
Things work differently in China. Boy is that ever a loaded statement. I was going to say, "They speak Chinese for one…" … What does this have to do with sleep?
In Sofie's foster care situation, I believe the family slept together on mattresses placed out on the floor together. She would snuggle up to her foster grandma every night, and she slept peacefully. Her grandma slept peacefully too. We met her foster grandma the first day after the exchange, and she was a wreck. She hadn't slept a second without her Sofie.
In the US, we typically move kids to their own rooms at an early age and use baby monitors to hear what is happening. If they move around, then we hear it on the monitor and act.
When Sofie moved to the US, we were put in a special situation. What do we do? We have a child who has been taken from everything she knows, all by herself, and thrust into this new environment. She wasn't even allowed to bring her favorite toy or sweater. It was made easy in China because the baby beds provided were smaller than Sofie was. Oh, and they only provided twin beds in the hotels. She slept with me. When we came home, it became a trickier situation.
We worked on it hard for the first few months, and we got her to the point where she would eventually fall asleep in her room. On most nights, she would make it through the night in her room. On bad nights, she would wake up in night terrors, and she would come back to our room. Then I went back to work, and her world was shattered again. We kept working on it. We got to a stable point around the same time she went to school for the first time. Soon after that, I started traveling for work, and then we had frequent, long staying visitors. There was always change underfoot, and it seemed to be a crutch that allowed her to move back into our room.
When my last 2 work trips occurred last year (3.5 weeks away in total over 6 weeks), she was allowed to come back into the bedroom full time. Then I got sick. Really sick. I slept in the spare bedroom. She was glad I was home, but since I had been away & was so different when I came back, things were uncertain for her. Then my husband got a cold, and she moved in with me. Eventually, we all moved back to the master bedroom. This is where we are now.
We had a perfect opportunity to move her back with the "whistle" situation. I hadn't done much more research by this point, and it seemed like having a good motivator would allow her to make the goal. She wanted one so bad that she tried sleeping in her room by herself that night. It lasted all of 60 minutes before she cried herself to hysteria and moved back to our room. Eventually, she took a nap in her room a week later, and this qualified as a step forward so she got her whistle.
After this, I looked at what the recommended process is. The research says we are going to have to do tough love. They say start by having one of us (probably me) sleep on the floor by her bed for a week. When she wakes up at night, one of us will be there. Then we slowly move step by step out of the room until she is doing it by herself. I don't know if there is ever going to be a good time for this to really start. We are just going to have to do it.
I haven't resolved myself yet to making it happen. We will one of these days, and I will relearn how to sleep without little feet in my stomach. Then we will visit Norway, and it will all start over again. These circles happen in our lives over and over again, and we just need to get through them. I hope I am strong enough to be strong for her too.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
My pet weasel
A funny happened today that I had to share.
"Mommy, I want a weasel" says Sofie as we are finishing up dinner. Her dad and I look at eat other blankly.
"A weasel?" I ask, perplexed.
"Yes, a weasel." My mind is racing as I try to think of how to handle the situation. What do I know about weasels besides that they bite? And the song, "Pop goes the Weasel"
"You want a weasel," I acknowledge, still trying to figure out what to say. A book I read said I should repeat what 3 year olds say so they know I am listening. "Cats and weasels don't always get along. Weasels don't make great pets because they bite. Are you sure you know what a weasel is?"
"yes mommy." she answers in all seriousness.
"let's go look at pictures of weasels" I say, inspired. I figure if we can look at their teeth and show that all the pictures take place outside, she might drop this.
We get the iPad out and go to google images. I search for weasels. She snuggles up next to me and looks at nature pictures for a minute. I see they look more like chipmunks or squirrels than killer biting machines. They are cute. I worry a bit more about how this will end.
Then she says, "mommy, those aren't weasels".
I ask, "what's a weasel?"
She makes a blowing gesture with her hand and mouth, and we realize she is talking about whistles. Phew! Whistles are way more manageable and don't bite!
"Mommy, I want a weasel" says Sofie as we are finishing up dinner. Her dad and I look at eat other blankly.
"A weasel?" I ask, perplexed.
"Yes, a weasel." My mind is racing as I try to think of how to handle the situation. What do I know about weasels besides that they bite? And the song, "Pop goes the Weasel"
"You want a weasel," I acknowledge, still trying to figure out what to say. A book I read said I should repeat what 3 year olds say so they know I am listening. "Cats and weasels don't always get along. Weasels don't make great pets because they bite. Are you sure you know what a weasel is?"
"yes mommy." she answers in all seriousness.
"let's go look at pictures of weasels" I say, inspired. I figure if we can look at their teeth and show that all the pictures take place outside, she might drop this.
We get the iPad out and go to google images. I search for weasels. She snuggles up next to me and looks at nature pictures for a minute. I see they look more like chipmunks or squirrels than killer biting machines. They are cute. I worry a bit more about how this will end.
Then she says, "mommy, those aren't weasels".
I ask, "what's a weasel?"
She makes a blowing gesture with her hand and mouth, and we realize she is talking about whistles. Phew! Whistles are way more manageable and don't bite!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Highs and Lows
It's funny. I have experienced one of my biggest highs and largest lows since we got Sofie over the last 24 hours.
Let's talk about the high first. This is personal, and I don't think I have shared this with anyone.
My whole Sofie adventure really started when I went to a football game in Scotland with one my male colleagues. He was an avid supporter of the team we went to see, and it was a cold gloomy day in Scotland. Typically when my husband watches any game, he is uncommunicative and doesn't like to talk about anything except maybe a related football story. If it is HIS team playing, he is biting his nails the whole 90 minutes and it is inadvisable to talk to him. He is moody and frustrated and the atmosphere in the house is shitty for the whole game (and potentially half the day depending on the results).
With this colleague, he showed joy for being there, and he was open to talking about just about anything. He initiated many non-football related conversations (since I have been trained to be silent). In the middle of the game, there was a little 4 year old boy who was trying to see what was happening with the game and everyone was standing. My colleague noticed the boy and was touched by the little boy's father who hoisted him up on his shoulders so he could see the game. My husband wouldn't notice if I were on the floor bleeding to death.
In that moment, I realized I could have this life if I wanted. I really wanted a little girl and my husband hadn't been keen. I saw that there were people out there who be interested in little people and talk to me during football games. It was then that I decided I would start the quest for my little girl and try to improve the relationship we have.
This story comes full circle because yesterday, we went to our first professional football game with Sofie. The weather was fine, people were wearing jersey's of the local team at dinner, and we realized we could make the game. We went over, and Sofie was so excited. We got tickets, walked in, sat down, and watched the game. My husband was excited to be here and willing to talk. He noticed the little girl between us on the seats. Some ladies in the row below us gave Sofie a soccer ball and called her a "cute little thing". It was a magic moment. The circle was complete.
So, this morning is Easter Sunday. The Easter Bunny visited our house and left a carnage of candy and eggs everywhere. Sofie had a few and was riding high. My husband asked if I wanted to take her to ecstatic dance. We have been doing it off and on since Christmas on Sundays. It gives him a couple hours to himself, and it lets me dance (my favorite thing). Also, there is room for Sofie to spin and play. The only downside is that the group spends 10-30 minutes talking about feelings in the middle of the event, and Sofie struggles with the downtime. She is more of a "go, go, go" kind of girl.
The rules for the dance are that there is no judgement and everyone is free to express themselves. They advise to try not to talk but to dance. Noises are ok (like screaming, animal noises, crying, etc.). They say children are ok and this is an opportunity for us to come together and express joy in a safe way. They want parents to stay with their kids so they don't get hurt.
This morning, according to the weekly email, the dance started early. I thought we had avoided the downtime by arriving late. We got there, and music was playing. Sofie and I spun together round and round and round and round. She got comfortable after awhile and started dancing by herself. She was so joyful and happy, and I was really happy to be dancing and to be seeing her joy. Suddenly, they turned off the music and asked everyone to get in the circle. Sofie was there for a second and then went in the middle of the circle and started running around. The people around me were fine with it saying that she was experiencing the joy they hoped to experience. The moderator asked me to get her out. I took her outside to the foyer and outside to see a parrot while they talked. They talked for 20 minutes or more. Eventually the music started again, and we danced to a couple of songs. Sofie was really into it. Then a woman came up to me and started telling me that parents had to restrain their kids and that it wasn't ok that Sofie would say a few words out loud while she danced. It wasn't ok for her to sing. She also said I had to teach Sofie how to do a quiet time if I wanted to be there and told me that it would help if I told Sofie it was a quiet time (like I haven't done this a zillion times). I thanked her for her feedback. I had been trying. Sofie is high spirited and having a dancing outlet has been great for us. She is 3. She doesn't know her loud voice/soft voice very well. She likes to wiggle and doesn't do really quiet time. I feel very judged. I have been doing my best. I started to cry when the lady was finished. I decided that we should leave. I couldn't get my tears under control. Sofie was really sad to be leaving because she was having such a great time. This was the first time I had felt comfortable there by myself without my girlfriend who usually comes with us. I am home now and still feel sad. I had been wide open to receive, and the negative really threw me.
I thought I had found a place where I could be myself and be happy, but I am still looking. Maybe another day. Maybe we make our own playlist and dance at home. We will see.
Happy Easter.
Let's talk about the high first. This is personal, and I don't think I have shared this with anyone.
My whole Sofie adventure really started when I went to a football game in Scotland with one my male colleagues. He was an avid supporter of the team we went to see, and it was a cold gloomy day in Scotland. Typically when my husband watches any game, he is uncommunicative and doesn't like to talk about anything except maybe a related football story. If it is HIS team playing, he is biting his nails the whole 90 minutes and it is inadvisable to talk to him. He is moody and frustrated and the atmosphere in the house is shitty for the whole game (and potentially half the day depending on the results).
With this colleague, he showed joy for being there, and he was open to talking about just about anything. He initiated many non-football related conversations (since I have been trained to be silent). In the middle of the game, there was a little 4 year old boy who was trying to see what was happening with the game and everyone was standing. My colleague noticed the boy and was touched by the little boy's father who hoisted him up on his shoulders so he could see the game. My husband wouldn't notice if I were on the floor bleeding to death.
In that moment, I realized I could have this life if I wanted. I really wanted a little girl and my husband hadn't been keen. I saw that there were people out there who be interested in little people and talk to me during football games. It was then that I decided I would start the quest for my little girl and try to improve the relationship we have.
This story comes full circle because yesterday, we went to our first professional football game with Sofie. The weather was fine, people were wearing jersey's of the local team at dinner, and we realized we could make the game. We went over, and Sofie was so excited. We got tickets, walked in, sat down, and watched the game. My husband was excited to be here and willing to talk. He noticed the little girl between us on the seats. Some ladies in the row below us gave Sofie a soccer ball and called her a "cute little thing". It was a magic moment. The circle was complete.
So, this morning is Easter Sunday. The Easter Bunny visited our house and left a carnage of candy and eggs everywhere. Sofie had a few and was riding high. My husband asked if I wanted to take her to ecstatic dance. We have been doing it off and on since Christmas on Sundays. It gives him a couple hours to himself, and it lets me dance (my favorite thing). Also, there is room for Sofie to spin and play. The only downside is that the group spends 10-30 minutes talking about feelings in the middle of the event, and Sofie struggles with the downtime. She is more of a "go, go, go" kind of girl.
The rules for the dance are that there is no judgement and everyone is free to express themselves. They advise to try not to talk but to dance. Noises are ok (like screaming, animal noises, crying, etc.). They say children are ok and this is an opportunity for us to come together and express joy in a safe way. They want parents to stay with their kids so they don't get hurt.
This morning, according to the weekly email, the dance started early. I thought we had avoided the downtime by arriving late. We got there, and music was playing. Sofie and I spun together round and round and round and round. She got comfortable after awhile and started dancing by herself. She was so joyful and happy, and I was really happy to be dancing and to be seeing her joy. Suddenly, they turned off the music and asked everyone to get in the circle. Sofie was there for a second and then went in the middle of the circle and started running around. The people around me were fine with it saying that she was experiencing the joy they hoped to experience. The moderator asked me to get her out. I took her outside to the foyer and outside to see a parrot while they talked. They talked for 20 minutes or more. Eventually the music started again, and we danced to a couple of songs. Sofie was really into it. Then a woman came up to me and started telling me that parents had to restrain their kids and that it wasn't ok that Sofie would say a few words out loud while she danced. It wasn't ok for her to sing. She also said I had to teach Sofie how to do a quiet time if I wanted to be there and told me that it would help if I told Sofie it was a quiet time (like I haven't done this a zillion times). I thanked her for her feedback. I had been trying. Sofie is high spirited and having a dancing outlet has been great for us. She is 3. She doesn't know her loud voice/soft voice very well. She likes to wiggle and doesn't do really quiet time. I feel very judged. I have been doing my best. I started to cry when the lady was finished. I decided that we should leave. I couldn't get my tears under control. Sofie was really sad to be leaving because she was having such a great time. This was the first time I had felt comfortable there by myself without my girlfriend who usually comes with us. I am home now and still feel sad. I had been wide open to receive, and the negative really threw me.
I thought I had found a place where I could be myself and be happy, but I am still looking. Maybe another day. Maybe we make our own playlist and dance at home. We will see.
Happy Easter.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Life is flying by again
It has been a month since I posted last. It is crazy. Once I got back to work, things became really busy.
Health wise - I am doing much much much better. The pneumonia is gone. It was a parainfluenza bug plus bacterial infection, plus sinus infection that was continuously circling through my sinuses/lung. I am still on steroids to breathe & just started some new antibiotic because my sinuses aren't the bestest yet. But, I am functioning. I am sleeping my 8 hours and "running around" the rest of the day. Ok, I am resting on weekends, but I am very active. I would say I am up to 80%. It will probably take 6 months to get the rest of the way. I am still on no-fly duty for long, international trips to India, but we do have a trip scheduled for Norway in May. I might do some work in Oslo while I am there. I am avoiding Paris for now. Oh, and we are headed for Chicagoland at some point because my grandparents are having some challenges.
At work, there HAVE been policy changes, and some parts of my job drive me crazy. I do feel like I am in a snake pit most of the time, and it is hard to know who to trust. The way the company is organized has added a lot of extra layers to get anything done, and the agility we had in the past is gone. Since I got back, my job has a different slant to it which excites me. I am getting to be creative & have innovative-thinking goals which excites me even more. I hadn't seen much draw to innovation within the last couple years, and that we are now thinking about it gives me hope we will remain technology focused. I also have been directed to start politicking & promoting myself (very uncomfortable with that). I am trying.
Enough about work - except I have put in some pretty strict boundaries about when I can work, and I have been very meticulous about respecting them. In the last 4 weeks, I only worked past 5 one day, and this is because there was a special meeting of people in town. It is really good.
Also, last week, I joined Washington Gym, which is unlike any gym I have ever seen. It isn't exactly cross fit. It doesn't have typical cardio machines. They run 5 sessions a day with groups going over different areas of the body. They use all kinds of stuff like weights, bands, rings, bars, hurdles, running, rowing, etc. I went 4 times last week, and although it was hard (and I am really out of shape), they are very respectful of boundaries and past injuries. Another interesting part with this gym is they reserve the right to "fire me" if I don't stick to the program. It definitely brings accountability to me, and I need that badly to stick to a program. The tough love thing could definitely work with me, I think.
The other part of the gym which is definitely challenging me is that they want me to follow the paleo diet. I have been vegetarian since last May, and paleo is NOT vegetarian friendly. Heck, I was vegan for a few months even. The last month I was sick, I started eating fish 1-2 times per week. That seemed like a lot of meat. Eating eggs for breakfast and tuna for lunch and fish/meat for dinner is crazy. I have been on meat overload. I wasn't eating red meat or pork per se, but I did have my first chicken on Friday (bleck) and I tried adding ground beef to my scrambled eggs like they said. I also had steak last night (like 2 oz). I am supposed to be eating a whopping 130 grams of protein a day (and 70! grams of fat). I was eating like 20-40g/day. It is a big adjustment.
This morning I broke down and had a smoothie for lunch with kale, banana, and berries. The paleo way is to add raw eggs (ick) or protein powder (really, did cavemen have protein powder??)... I used some of my veggie tricks and added hemp seeds and chia seeds. They seem to have the same fat/protein ratio I am looking for. I also tried adding almonds which is an internet trick I found. It appears there are some other paleo vegetarians out there, and I am going to try it there way before I go all meat all the time. Don't get me wrong, having a bite of beef was ok, it is just having it with every meal is so excessive. I don't like meat THAT much.
Now to the good stuff. Sofie is wonderful. Her imagination continues to grow. We have been playing castle legos for weeks, and we have built some really neat stuff. We have also had tea parties with the legos, and there is a lot of drama going on between Cinderella 1, Cinderella 2, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Prince Charming. And don't get me started about what bunny 1 did to bunny 2. LOL. And the DALMATION is so naughty. And the horse ate all the apples. Hello Kitty did something last week and she has banished to downstairs only, and Minnie is back upstairs at bed time. The stuffed bunny is hiding in a drum most of the time (who knows why???). She is growing like mad. She can turn OFF lights now too. Her 3Ts don't fit her around any more which is pretty exciting. She eats mostly meat and fruit exclusively. We got her to eat caesar salad last night. She does like plain rice and noodles still. She has been skipping "treats" at night so she doesn't have to eat her brussels, pepper, onion, broccoli, cauliflower, etc. She will sometimes take bites. Sometimes no. She has figured out a trick that if she says she is "going to pee herself" at the table ... once something beautiful has been served, piping hot, at a restaurant no less... she can run around and go to the bathroom. After last weekend, her dad doesn't believe her any more. I was on to her weeks ago at home when she would finish a meal and instead of wanting to wait for everyone to be done, she would start whining. She isn't into hanging out with us - especially if there is no treat afterwards.
Her temper tantrums have been epic. She pulls out the tears any time we do something that isn't exactly what she wants. I put in some "tuition" with SuperNanny to reinforce the right principles last weekend. It annoys the crap out of Sofie that she isn't getting us riled up in "time out" these days. She has gone to exceedingly bad behavior (spitting globs of spit on the stairs, kicking, trying to destroy the stairs, etc.). I hope she doesn't try to pee/poop on them. I am not sure if I could NOT react to that. Then again, if she has to clean it up afterwards, it might be worth it. She is a handful.
Sofie does have rhythm though, and still loves Gangham Style. I am not sure how many american kids are listening to swedish house mafia and know all the words. Lol.
So all in all, our girl is doing super. Her mom is much better. Her dad is good. Onwards and upwards.
Health wise - I am doing much much much better. The pneumonia is gone. It was a parainfluenza bug plus bacterial infection, plus sinus infection that was continuously circling through my sinuses/lung. I am still on steroids to breathe & just started some new antibiotic because my sinuses aren't the bestest yet. But, I am functioning. I am sleeping my 8 hours and "running around" the rest of the day. Ok, I am resting on weekends, but I am very active. I would say I am up to 80%. It will probably take 6 months to get the rest of the way. I am still on no-fly duty for long, international trips to India, but we do have a trip scheduled for Norway in May. I might do some work in Oslo while I am there. I am avoiding Paris for now. Oh, and we are headed for Chicagoland at some point because my grandparents are having some challenges.
At work, there HAVE been policy changes, and some parts of my job drive me crazy. I do feel like I am in a snake pit most of the time, and it is hard to know who to trust. The way the company is organized has added a lot of extra layers to get anything done, and the agility we had in the past is gone. Since I got back, my job has a different slant to it which excites me. I am getting to be creative & have innovative-thinking goals which excites me even more. I hadn't seen much draw to innovation within the last couple years, and that we are now thinking about it gives me hope we will remain technology focused. I also have been directed to start politicking & promoting myself (very uncomfortable with that). I am trying.
Enough about work - except I have put in some pretty strict boundaries about when I can work, and I have been very meticulous about respecting them. In the last 4 weeks, I only worked past 5 one day, and this is because there was a special meeting of people in town. It is really good.
Also, last week, I joined Washington Gym, which is unlike any gym I have ever seen. It isn't exactly cross fit. It doesn't have typical cardio machines. They run 5 sessions a day with groups going over different areas of the body. They use all kinds of stuff like weights, bands, rings, bars, hurdles, running, rowing, etc. I went 4 times last week, and although it was hard (and I am really out of shape), they are very respectful of boundaries and past injuries. Another interesting part with this gym is they reserve the right to "fire me" if I don't stick to the program. It definitely brings accountability to me, and I need that badly to stick to a program. The tough love thing could definitely work with me, I think.
The other part of the gym which is definitely challenging me is that they want me to follow the paleo diet. I have been vegetarian since last May, and paleo is NOT vegetarian friendly. Heck, I was vegan for a few months even. The last month I was sick, I started eating fish 1-2 times per week. That seemed like a lot of meat. Eating eggs for breakfast and tuna for lunch and fish/meat for dinner is crazy. I have been on meat overload. I wasn't eating red meat or pork per se, but I did have my first chicken on Friday (bleck) and I tried adding ground beef to my scrambled eggs like they said. I also had steak last night (like 2 oz). I am supposed to be eating a whopping 130 grams of protein a day (and 70! grams of fat). I was eating like 20-40g/day. It is a big adjustment.
This morning I broke down and had a smoothie for lunch with kale, banana, and berries. The paleo way is to add raw eggs (ick) or protein powder (really, did cavemen have protein powder??)... I used some of my veggie tricks and added hemp seeds and chia seeds. They seem to have the same fat/protein ratio I am looking for. I also tried adding almonds which is an internet trick I found. It appears there are some other paleo vegetarians out there, and I am going to try it there way before I go all meat all the time. Don't get me wrong, having a bite of beef was ok, it is just having it with every meal is so excessive. I don't like meat THAT much.
Now to the good stuff. Sofie is wonderful. Her imagination continues to grow. We have been playing castle legos for weeks, and we have built some really neat stuff. We have also had tea parties with the legos, and there is a lot of drama going on between Cinderella 1, Cinderella 2, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Prince Charming. And don't get me started about what bunny 1 did to bunny 2. LOL. And the DALMATION is so naughty. And the horse ate all the apples. Hello Kitty did something last week and she has banished to downstairs only, and Minnie is back upstairs at bed time. The stuffed bunny is hiding in a drum most of the time (who knows why???). She is growing like mad. She can turn OFF lights now too. Her 3Ts don't fit her around any more which is pretty exciting. She eats mostly meat and fruit exclusively. We got her to eat caesar salad last night. She does like plain rice and noodles still. She has been skipping "treats" at night so she doesn't have to eat her brussels, pepper, onion, broccoli, cauliflower, etc. She will sometimes take bites. Sometimes no. She has figured out a trick that if she says she is "going to pee herself" at the table ... once something beautiful has been served, piping hot, at a restaurant no less... she can run around and go to the bathroom. After last weekend, her dad doesn't believe her any more. I was on to her weeks ago at home when she would finish a meal and instead of wanting to wait for everyone to be done, she would start whining. She isn't into hanging out with us - especially if there is no treat afterwards.
Her temper tantrums have been epic. She pulls out the tears any time we do something that isn't exactly what she wants. I put in some "tuition" with SuperNanny to reinforce the right principles last weekend. It annoys the crap out of Sofie that she isn't getting us riled up in "time out" these days. She has gone to exceedingly bad behavior (spitting globs of spit on the stairs, kicking, trying to destroy the stairs, etc.). I hope she doesn't try to pee/poop on them. I am not sure if I could NOT react to that. Then again, if she has to clean it up afterwards, it might be worth it. She is a handful.
Sofie does have rhythm though, and still loves Gangham Style. I am not sure how many american kids are listening to swedish house mafia and know all the words. Lol.
So all in all, our girl is doing super. Her mom is much better. Her dad is good. Onwards and upwards.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)