Santa Claus is coming to town

This is officially our second Christmas with Sofie, but it is our first Christmas where she  kind of understands what is happening around her.  She helped me trim the tree, and she is fascinated with stories of Santa.  "Santa Claus is coming to town" is here favorite song at the moment. She also likes the story of Rudolph. We have a gingerbread Christmas puzzle. She is dying to make Christmas cookies with me.  Last week she helped me make an apple pie.  She is in happy anticipation of all the presents in Christmas day. We also have an elf on our shelf (Toodles) who is monitoring her every move and reporting back to the big man.

Despite our efforts, she is still a normal 3 year old with temper tantrums. She learned to whine within the last month at school and I have a feeling we will be hearing that for another 20 years. She is growing and developing and singing and dancing and drawing and writing and is just an amazing little girl.

I wish I could capture all her Sofie-ness to make sure I will remember it at a later date. Today she announced she is only a little bit of a friend with her classmate Sara. She is addicted to cheese sticks and almonds. She ate butternut squash ravioli, hotdogs and corn for dinner. Oh, and she had a beloved cheese stick.  She ate pumpkin bread and salmon yesterday (likes salmon and fish in general a lot).  She had a temper tantrum for 30 minutes this morning because she wanted to watch mickeymouse instead if putting on her shirt for school (her favorite maroon apple shirt).  Did I mention she is obsessed with almonds?  She ate her whole lunch today (2 peanut butter sandwiches on wheat, a banana, yogurt, fruit, almonds,  2 juice boxes, and a halloweeny treat). The letter of the week is "s". We were supposed to bring a picture of something that starts with "s" but I think we forgot. Her s's are looking and sounding good.

Her hair is long enough for pigtails, french braids, and a chignon if I had hairpins. It is still a little thin in the front, and she has heavy bangs.  She uses food as product in here hair (forgoes napkins) which provides extra textures and achieves great heights with natural product. The smell isn't the bestest. Hahahhas. Her eyes sparkle, and she never is still for a moment. Even in here sleep, here limbs are in constant movement. I don't know if it it bone growing or what, but that kid moves, she bounces. She leaps. She strides. She runs. She never meanders, walks, or grazes. She is a kid with purpose and innovation and creativity. She is a problem solver. She is amazing.

Hmmm

This week, Sofie has been pretending that she has a little sister named Baby.  She actually started pretending with her Dad when they were playing at the park.  He actually told me which is even more surprising given the general reluctance to add to the family in the first place.

Last year when we got her, I was ready to start working on #2 straight away.  Now, I am open to it but I try to imagine how it will work - and how the child would find us (China, US, Africa, somewhere else).  It is a little daunting to think about starting over again.  Also, I don't know what age we would start with... if we do a local adoption, we could get a little baby, and that would be interesting.  We were at the doctor last week and there was the cutest little African American 9-month-old baby you ever saw.

Part of me also is interested in getting an older child, but that would be hard too.  I don't know how it would work.  I know that getting older children can be pretty complicated and that many of them don't work out.  I have some colleagues at work who foster-to-adopt and it has been real hard for them.  They thought they had a child and then the parents wouldn't relinquish rights and it has been awful for them and the child.

What to do?

Marvel

The are many times that I know we got extremely lucky with our child. Today is one of them.  It just strikes me randomly, and I know I rhapsodize about her all the time, but I can't help it.

Sofie is so beautiful. Her inner light shines through. She is thoughtful and caring. She does random acts of kindness to us and the cats (and strangers). Last year, she was a big kiss blower - quite the hit at airports, supermarkets, and parks. This year, she is a hugged and kisser. Today after dinner, she came up to me and hugged me, kissed me, and told me she loved me.  It was so sweet.

Yesterday, she was loving all over Pita. She nuzzled her nose, caressed her face/ears, gave he sweet kisses and loved all over her.  She was so gentle and delicately touched her... So not a 3 year old thing.

She is a wily combination of her dad and me.  Her curiosity, love of music/dance, singlemindedness and independence all scream of me.  Her inability to watch tv unless there is total silence, throw random stuff, and grumpiness in the am are like her dad.

Being a mom has helped me frame gratitude in a whole new light. I know I am not the best mom but I do the best I can with her. I am thankful for every minute. I imagined life with a child, and it is amazing how close the picture was to my reality.  It is an amazing thing and I am so thankful.

Count down to gotcha day

Last year at this time, we were on a plane, headed to Beijing.  We thought we were ready to go, had everything we needed, and the excitement and anticipation was killing us.  I even brought my InStyle magazine so I could take pictures at the great wall.

We had thanksgiving dinner the week before since we had so much to be thankful for.  The house was clean. Her room was clean. Our neighbor was putting together furniture for her room while we traveled. I had just finished the mural.  My girlfriend was housesitting.

This is the anniversary of the beginning and the middle.  It signifies our growth, our love, our hope, and our belief that everything works out.  We boarded the plane out of the country as individuals and came back as a family.  It didn't matter that we didn't have the same blood, speak the same language, or live in a different country.  It didn't matter that our cultures were different.  It didn't matter that we had different needs.  We had love and an unspoken & unwavering understanding that everything would be fine.

One year later, I learned some Chinese. I can lift 35 pounds with one arm. I can deflect a temper tantrum 80% of the time. I am an artist, a teacher, a singer, curriculum director, snuggle buddy, friend, wife, crafter, ball tosser, dribbler, chef, laundress, leader, rock star, hero, princess, nail tech, groomer, stylist, driver, storyteller, decorator, maid...  And I occasionally work when I am not sick.

Journeys ... Sometimes you know when they are coming and not where they lead.  You stay on it because you love it.

Still sick

As I am nearing our 1 year anniversary of leaving for China, I am still sick.  This has been a beast - cold, bronchitis, pneumonia... I guess I have overdone it big time.

Sofie has been a trooper because her dad and I have both been sick.  I feel bad about not having enough activities for her to use up all her energy, but it will come eventually right?

So much has happened this year.  I am so glad overall that we got her.  It was worth every minute.  all the heartache we have had since has also been worth it.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

We are lucky to have her, and she is lucky to have us.

They threw a fungus ball at me, exploding into pieces

I read through my last post, and it is no wonder that I came down with a cold/flu thing halfway into my trip in Paris.  I did leave the hotel twice by the way (walking to/from) dinner.  I did not eat meat.  I did have a bit of cheese, a lot of spicy mustard, bread, and quasi vegetarian fare. Granted, they did bring me fish one of the days for my meal... I went to the salad bar and got beet salad.

The hours were long. The plane ride home was excruciating and I have slept more than 48 hours in the last 36. I have the best husband in the world who babied me when I got home. Our daughter has been super duper too.  She seems to have grown another inch and a half since I left - all her pants are way too short.  I am very lucky that I got to collapse on the most beautiful day ever (72 degrees, dry and sunny... Don't know if my boss really believed I was sick... It was the most beautiful day in the world to be sick).

And so I hack and snort and sneeze. Some of the websites say it is all the toxins I have consumed and failed to release since I wasn't sleeping and eating well.  I am kind of not surprised if that is so.  Lots of snot.

There was a Liverpool game on today, and I made construction paper jack-o-lanterns with Sofie during the game. I feel like I did my part, as inadequate as it was.  Now, the hubby is shopping for some sort of dinner... He took her to a birthday party at old McDonald's farm this morning... And I am just lying here, hacking away.  ok, I have not done my share. We are missing a live soccer game this evening because I am sick ... Bummer. I had been looking forward to it all month.  I always resent those people who go to work/functions/sporting events/symphony/etc sick because they share with everyone. I need to be ready for Madonna on Thursday and my friends' visit in the weekend.

Come on healing.

Balance

Being the bread winner and a mom is really hard.  This week blew because I worked 13 hours a day and barely got to see my little girl & family at all.  It is budgeting time and planning time for next year, and everyone has expectations.  My colleague and I had worked out our plans months ago, and my boss rescheduled a bunch of crap this week & double booked us.  We had to do the other stuff too because the world at large was depending on us to deliver and I didn't want to let them down.  Oh yeah, and we went commercial on a year long development and yeah, there was unexpected downtime.

Our work barely coincides with the other team members and I really resent that I have to sit around for 13 hours in a row for 3 days consecutively to hear more about other people's stuff that needs to be enhanced.  The intersection is narrow and could be covered in a 30 minute overview.  Last week I was left out of a meeting that is going to be pivotal for future developments, and ...  I am consumed with work.

I barely know who I am this week.  I don't enjoy 13-14 hour days.  I miss my family.  I miss having friends.  I miss hanging out and drinking wine.  I miss writing.  I miss meditating. I miss eating healthy. I miss exercising.  I thought I had figured it out and then this week blew in like the witch from the north.  Crap-ass lunches were brought in every day which were full of processed stuff and there was no alternative.. ok the alternative was water, but for a 13 hour day, it just doesn't cut it.

Next week will be more of the same since we are headed to Paris for more requirements.  I wonder if it is possible to visit Paris for 3 days and not leave the hotel.  I am afraid that is my future.

I wonder if it is possible to go to Paris and not eat meat/fish/cheese/bread/pastries.  I know, I know.  Who would want that?  I am a lunatic.  I know there is a mini-prix across the street from the hotel and was contemplating buying fresh fruit & veg and smuggling it in the conference.

I don't even know where my winter coat is... It is still summer here, you know?  It was only 90 degrees here today and the humidity was only like 70%.  Bliss.  I say this as if I actually experienced it (lie).  I did see it from outside the window, and they reported the high on the news on my way home when I tried to leave early (left at 5:30... started at 7:15... ).  It was a nice short day.  Hardee har har.

I am really torn.  The work is exciting, challenging, and completely having the potential of being bleeding edge.  I could lose myself in it and 10 years would go by.  I was waiting for a job like this for 6 years.

I was waiting for Sofie for 12.

I was waiting for the hubby for 22.

Balance.
Where is it?
I think I have it in my fingertips, and then it flies away
a mirage
I never really had it
I drank sand and ate rocks
I felt the pleasure but withered away to nothing in a second
A ghost for a moment
holding my paper dreams.