Balance

Being the bread winner and a mom is really hard.  This week blew because I worked 13 hours a day and barely got to see my little girl & family at all.  It is budgeting time and planning time for next year, and everyone has expectations.  My colleague and I had worked out our plans months ago, and my boss rescheduled a bunch of crap this week & double booked us.  We had to do the other stuff too because the world at large was depending on us to deliver and I didn't want to let them down.  Oh yeah, and we went commercial on a year long development and yeah, there was unexpected downtime.

Our work barely coincides with the other team members and I really resent that I have to sit around for 13 hours in a row for 3 days consecutively to hear more about other people's stuff that needs to be enhanced.  The intersection is narrow and could be covered in a 30 minute overview.  Last week I was left out of a meeting that is going to be pivotal for future developments, and ...  I am consumed with work.

I barely know who I am this week.  I don't enjoy 13-14 hour days.  I miss my family.  I miss having friends.  I miss hanging out and drinking wine.  I miss writing.  I miss meditating. I miss eating healthy. I miss exercising.  I thought I had figured it out and then this week blew in like the witch from the north.  Crap-ass lunches were brought in every day which were full of processed stuff and there was no alternative.. ok the alternative was water, but for a 13 hour day, it just doesn't cut it.

Next week will be more of the same since we are headed to Paris for more requirements.  I wonder if it is possible to visit Paris for 3 days and not leave the hotel.  I am afraid that is my future.

I wonder if it is possible to go to Paris and not eat meat/fish/cheese/bread/pastries.  I know, I know.  Who would want that?  I am a lunatic.  I know there is a mini-prix across the street from the hotel and was contemplating buying fresh fruit & veg and smuggling it in the conference.

I don't even know where my winter coat is... It is still summer here, you know?  It was only 90 degrees here today and the humidity was only like 70%.  Bliss.  I say this as if I actually experienced it (lie).  I did see it from outside the window, and they reported the high on the news on my way home when I tried to leave early (left at 5:30... started at 7:15... ).  It was a nice short day.  Hardee har har.

I am really torn.  The work is exciting, challenging, and completely having the potential of being bleeding edge.  I could lose myself in it and 10 years would go by.  I was waiting for a job like this for 6 years.

I was waiting for Sofie for 12.

I was waiting for the hubby for 22.

Balance.
Where is it?
I think I have it in my fingertips, and then it flies away
a mirage
I never really had it
I drank sand and ate rocks
I felt the pleasure but withered away to nothing in a second
A ghost for a moment
holding my paper dreams.