Well, Monday was my official day back to work. It was tough. Yesterday was worse. There are a lot of new policies, and as I read them I got depressed. I don't like what I am seeing, and it makes me crazy that there is nothing that I can do to affect it. My philosophy is so fundamentally different, I feel like I am living a lie.
How can I teach Sofie the right values, when I struggle to assimilate all the demands placed on me on a given day? How do I teach her to make the right decisions when there is no right decision? How do I navigate through the snake pit and have my sanity at the end?
While I was sick, I spent a lot of time thinking about the types of jobs that have been created over the last 200 years. There have been some amazing advances, but there are also jobs that are a bunch of busy work that really don't serve a higher purpose besides having a guy get a bigger bonus at the end of the year for making/saving money.
Where I fit into this global network is really unclear to me. I want to make a difference. I want to do something meaningful. I want to help mankind. I want to feel useful. I am failing at the moment. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to cry at night. I don't want to come home and want to get drunk every day. That isn't living.
I need to figure out that balance. I need to incorporate it with our lifestyle and finances. I need to ensure we have the resources we need for our children. It is hard. The path is invisible to me. I will keep looking.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Happy Chinese New Year (Welcome to the year of the Black Snake))
First off, Happy New Year! We will most likely be celebrating with our Asian community this weekend. Otherwise, we might have to hit up China town for amazing culinary goodness.
You can check out your Chinese horoscope for the year here: http://www.chinesefortunecalendar.com/2013ChineseHoroscope.htm
My predominant signs are water and metal. It could be an interesting year.
Things are going better, and I am slated to go back to work next week. I hope this is the last time that I have to be released for work in a long while! I am still exercising this week, and although I do get out of breath pretty quickly & my muscles are sore (yay! sore muscles!), I am so glad I am doing it. It makes me feel really good.
Yesterday, the hubby took Sofie to the Shriners for her annual checkup (can you believe it has been a year since she had the surgery?!). She is doing wonderful. She knocked the socks off the speech pathologist who saw her about 6 months ago. Sofie has learned so many sounds and her vocabulary is out of this world. The speech path couldn't believe it. She was amazed. I am so happy that Sofie isn't going to have to struggle with a speech impediment for her entire life. It was something that was in the back of my mind as a risk, and it is a great relief to know that she is good. They won't take a look at her for another year, and by then (right before Sofie turns 5), I expect she is going to be really, really good. I have noticed on the playground that Sofie's articulation is much better than many of the taller kids. We still need to work on the vocabulary. When other parents of kids turning 4 in a couple months talk about what their kids say, Sofie isn't there yet. Don't get me wrong - she has amazing vocabulary and sometimes I have NO IDEA where she finds the words she uses properly in context (not swear words; just normal every day words that seem pretty advanced for a 3 year old).
Her height was officially 40.7" (103.3 cm). I don't remember how tall she was when we got her. I think this summer, the height limit on on the kiddie roller coasters were 38 in and she just made it, but I could be misremembering. Her weight is up to 33.7 pounds (15.3 kg) - 7 pounds increase since last year (almost a third of body weight - wow).
Her soft palate is looking super-duper. We will have to wait awhile until the next surgery (5-6 years) if everything continues along this vein. I wish we could fix it all now for her, but having the plan is really comforting.
Sofers has been vey snuggly lately, and she loves her mommy. I love it. I admit it. I am a glutton for all the love that kid bestows on me. I am soaking it up while she still worships me, because I know it will not always be like this. In the morning, I am the first person she looks for and at night, she wants me to be the last person she sees. I feel for the hubby because he loves her just as much or more than I do, and she hasn't been as snuggly with him. But, I love it. She comes home from school and wants to sit next to me & watch a movie or play. She tells me I am her best friend. I feel her love shining like a beacon, and it makes a happy thought in my life. I wonder if this is how my mom felt about me when I was 3. I wonder if this is how she feels about me today. I wonder how I am going to let go?
At the moment, Sofie's favorite movie is "Monsters Inc" and she is wearing pigtails daily to look like "Boo". When I imagined having a kid all those years ago, I wanted her to be just like Boo, and that is what I got. Sofie is a carbon copy. It is awesome. And she has the same infectious laugh that makes you fall on the floor laughing too. I love it.
Anyway, I thought I would send an update to all. I hope your lives are doing great & that you have joy, laughter & happiness every day. Lots of love.
You can check out your Chinese horoscope for the year here: http://www.chinesefortunecalendar.com/2013ChineseHoroscope.htm
My predominant signs are water and metal. It could be an interesting year.
Things are going better, and I am slated to go back to work next week. I hope this is the last time that I have to be released for work in a long while! I am still exercising this week, and although I do get out of breath pretty quickly & my muscles are sore (yay! sore muscles!), I am so glad I am doing it. It makes me feel really good.
Yesterday, the hubby took Sofie to the Shriners for her annual checkup (can you believe it has been a year since she had the surgery?!). She is doing wonderful. She knocked the socks off the speech pathologist who saw her about 6 months ago. Sofie has learned so many sounds and her vocabulary is out of this world. The speech path couldn't believe it. She was amazed. I am so happy that Sofie isn't going to have to struggle with a speech impediment for her entire life. It was something that was in the back of my mind as a risk, and it is a great relief to know that she is good. They won't take a look at her for another year, and by then (right before Sofie turns 5), I expect she is going to be really, really good. I have noticed on the playground that Sofie's articulation is much better than many of the taller kids. We still need to work on the vocabulary. When other parents of kids turning 4 in a couple months talk about what their kids say, Sofie isn't there yet. Don't get me wrong - she has amazing vocabulary and sometimes I have NO IDEA where she finds the words she uses properly in context (not swear words; just normal every day words that seem pretty advanced for a 3 year old).
Her height was officially 40.7" (103.3 cm). I don't remember how tall she was when we got her. I think this summer, the height limit on on the kiddie roller coasters were 38 in and she just made it, but I could be misremembering. Her weight is up to 33.7 pounds (15.3 kg) - 7 pounds increase since last year (almost a third of body weight - wow).
Her soft palate is looking super-duper. We will have to wait awhile until the next surgery (5-6 years) if everything continues along this vein. I wish we could fix it all now for her, but having the plan is really comforting.
Sofers has been vey snuggly lately, and she loves her mommy. I love it. I admit it. I am a glutton for all the love that kid bestows on me. I am soaking it up while she still worships me, because I know it will not always be like this. In the morning, I am the first person she looks for and at night, she wants me to be the last person she sees. I feel for the hubby because he loves her just as much or more than I do, and she hasn't been as snuggly with him. But, I love it. She comes home from school and wants to sit next to me & watch a movie or play. She tells me I am her best friend. I feel her love shining like a beacon, and it makes a happy thought in my life. I wonder if this is how my mom felt about me when I was 3. I wonder if this is how she feels about me today. I wonder how I am going to let go?
At the moment, Sofie's favorite movie is "Monsters Inc" and she is wearing pigtails daily to look like "Boo". When I imagined having a kid all those years ago, I wanted her to be just like Boo, and that is what I got. Sofie is a carbon copy. It is awesome. And she has the same infectious laugh that makes you fall on the floor laughing too. I love it.
Anyway, I thought I would send an update to all. I hope your lives are doing great & that you have joy, laughter & happiness every day. Lots of love.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Flying
Time is flying by, and I don't have much to show for it. I spent a week in the hospital, and I had sinus surgery last Monday. I have been home for a week now, and things are still healing. I felt pretty good in Saturday and did some cleaning around the house. Yesterday, I felt awful and slept a lot of the day. Then, I couldn't sleep all night. This morning came awfully quickly.
I am feeling more normal today. It could be day 1 without pain pills. I also polished off my last antibiotic this morning. The taper with steroids will start in a day or two. I am in the road to good health. I restarted my diet this morning. Espen went for a short walk outside with me for 20 minutes and I finished. That was pretty exciting. I probably went about a mile. I was thinking I could try to do 2 walks a day to get my blood moving. It felt good to be outside and get a little sun on my face. It has been a long while since I was outside.
Sofie is doing really good. She is real happy I am back home. She has been mostly gentle with my face avoiding contact wherever she could bash me. She is a really good, happy girl. I love her sweetness (you know - when she isn't being naughty). I can't believe how she is growing. In a couple week s, I swear she grew 2 inches. None of her 3s are long enough and even the 4's are short. We bought her a bigger pair of shoes a couple weeks ago, and I think she has just about grown out of those too. Crazy.
So, things are moving slowly, but they are moving. I am dreaming about gardening.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Good thoughts
I am headed to the hospital this afternoon. They still have no idea what is wrong with me. The doctor thinks the best thing for me is to be under 24x7 observation/medication, so I am going for it. I don't know how Sofie will take it. The hubby and I are both having a hard time with it to be honest. After my awful experience at the hospital last week, I am hoping things will be better. I hope she is fine.
Please think good thoughts for our family.
Please think good thoughts for our family.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Tough Saturday
I had a bronchoscopy a few days ago, and the doctor took me off my antibiotics/steroids in order to prepare for it. He took samples of the gunk in my lungs and sent it to the labs for processing. In the mean time, I am on sustaining asthma meds with no steroids & doing breathing treatments every 4 hours. I can't breathe still, and it is hard.
The hubby has a bad tooth that he meant to get a root canal on last week but due to weather related problems had to delay. He is in extreme pain, and his face is swollen.
We are a challenged duo, and I have no idea how we will survive a fast paced weekend with Sofie. Oh, did I mention it is raining too? LOL.
I am taking my breathing treatment now, while he watches her. It is the first moment I have gotten off since 7:00. I am tired. I am really ready for this lung disease to pass. I can't wait to find out what it is and to eradicate it from my system. I wonder if I will have to go to Phoenix to dry out my lungs?
I am sorry if I sound whiny today. We have extenuating circumstances, and this has been going on since October 12. Such a long time.
Sofie is doing really good overall. She seems healthy and is growing like a weed. She is past 42 inches and weighs about 33.5 pounds. Her speech has improved so much, it is amazing. The speech therapist is so pleased with her ability to make lots of sounds. I think having me home has really helped her speech development. LOL. I am not sure she understands everything yet. We are really struggling with telling stories and having her follow along. She does really well with books where you identify 1 word at a time. I am working on things by telling stories in the evenings, and we let her watch the same television programs over and over again until she has every word down. I only get a little mental by watching the same show 6 times in a row...
So, think good thoughts for us. We are hanging by a thread. If anyone wants to come over and babysit (and take Sofie to a rainy park), just give us a call.
The hubby has a bad tooth that he meant to get a root canal on last week but due to weather related problems had to delay. He is in extreme pain, and his face is swollen.
We are a challenged duo, and I have no idea how we will survive a fast paced weekend with Sofie. Oh, did I mention it is raining too? LOL.
I am taking my breathing treatment now, while he watches her. It is the first moment I have gotten off since 7:00. I am tired. I am really ready for this lung disease to pass. I can't wait to find out what it is and to eradicate it from my system. I wonder if I will have to go to Phoenix to dry out my lungs?
I am sorry if I sound whiny today. We have extenuating circumstances, and this has been going on since October 12. Such a long time.
Sofie is doing really good overall. She seems healthy and is growing like a weed. She is past 42 inches and weighs about 33.5 pounds. Her speech has improved so much, it is amazing. The speech therapist is so pleased with her ability to make lots of sounds. I think having me home has really helped her speech development. LOL. I am not sure she understands everything yet. We are really struggling with telling stories and having her follow along. She does really well with books where you identify 1 word at a time. I am working on things by telling stories in the evenings, and we let her watch the same television programs over and over again until she has every word down. I only get a little mental by watching the same show 6 times in a row...
So, think good thoughts for us. We are hanging by a thread. If anyone wants to come over and babysit (and take Sofie to a rainy park), just give us a call.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Back to work - Take 2
Some of you know that I have been really ill for awhile. I was mostly out of the office from mid October through yesterday. I did have a brief stint working part time in December, but then the doctor took me out again because he changed all my medications (5) and he didn't want me acting weird as my body adjusted. It is a lung thing. I don't know when it will go away. They don't know what it is. They are going in and taking samples from my lungs on Thursday, and then it could take up to 10 weeks for results. Yuck.
Anyway, at my last doctor's visit, he said, "are you bored? want to go back to work?" and I said sure. I am not better, but at least I will have something to occupy my mind during the day.
I went back to work yesterday, and it kicked my butt. I made sure I only worked my 8 hours (not 10-12 like "old me"). I had to do the drive back/forth (1 hour). I did breathing treatments in the office. I came home, collapsed, and didn't spend any time with Sofie. I just didn't have it in me.
Today, I woke up early, went early for my early meeting, and then had a breathing treatment in the office (hate it - we have windows in our offices, and there is no privacy). At about 11:30, I started having a full asthma attack, and my neighbor came into my office to see if I was going to die. He watched me do my inhalers and helped me packup my stuff to come home. I was very self conscious about having him watch me do my inhaler. What if he were grading my technique? (Yes, I am a little crazy).
The good is that I have a full office in my house. If I choose, I don't have to add the additional hour commute every day. Also, I get to see Sofie in the morning. Oh, and the office doesn't have to watch me take drugs every couple hours.
The bad is that Sofie has no idea why mommy can't play with her while she is in her meeting (and won't listen to me tell her that I can't do our morning routine). We will see how it goes tomorrow.
Anyway, I am hoping I will get to keep working. It is good to be busy and do something useful. I hope I am getting enough oxygen to make good decisions (and that my personality isn't too affected by the meds).
Hopefully we can say goodbye to lung sickness soon.
Anyway, at my last doctor's visit, he said, "are you bored? want to go back to work?" and I said sure. I am not better, but at least I will have something to occupy my mind during the day.
I went back to work yesterday, and it kicked my butt. I made sure I only worked my 8 hours (not 10-12 like "old me"). I had to do the drive back/forth (1 hour). I did breathing treatments in the office. I came home, collapsed, and didn't spend any time with Sofie. I just didn't have it in me.
Today, I woke up early, went early for my early meeting, and then had a breathing treatment in the office (hate it - we have windows in our offices, and there is no privacy). At about 11:30, I started having a full asthma attack, and my neighbor came into my office to see if I was going to die. He watched me do my inhalers and helped me packup my stuff to come home. I was very self conscious about having him watch me do my inhaler. What if he were grading my technique? (Yes, I am a little crazy).
The good is that I have a full office in my house. If I choose, I don't have to add the additional hour commute every day. Also, I get to see Sofie in the morning. Oh, and the office doesn't have to watch me take drugs every couple hours.
The bad is that Sofie has no idea why mommy can't play with her while she is in her meeting (and won't listen to me tell her that I can't do our morning routine). We will see how it goes tomorrow.
Anyway, I am hoping I will get to keep working. It is good to be busy and do something useful. I hope I am getting enough oxygen to make good decisions (and that my personality isn't too affected by the meds).
Hopefully we can say goodbye to lung sickness soon.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Boundaries
Sofie is really testing her boundaries lately - especially with her dad. She will be sunny most of the time and then her alter-ego comes into the house. Boom! Scream! Crash! Wail! She screams for hours ... without tears ... She hits, she pinches, she head butts, and she kicks. Yikes!
Yesterday he spent an hour and a half trying to put her to bed. This morning, he spent 45 minutes trying to take off her jammies.
She is only like that half as much of the time for me - but all it takes to bring out the alter ego is a look at her the wrong direction. Or, I tell her something she knows she can't do.
I thought we had mostly passed out of the temper tantrum stage, but it seems like it is back. It could be related to being home the last week and a half with us full time since school was closed (?). She went back to school this morning so maybe things will return to normal now.
Anyway, I hope everyone is having a happy new year.
Yesterday he spent an hour and a half trying to put her to bed. This morning, he spent 45 minutes trying to take off her jammies.
She is only like that half as much of the time for me - but all it takes to bring out the alter ego is a look at her the wrong direction. Or, I tell her something she knows she can't do.
I thought we had mostly passed out of the temper tantrum stage, but it seems like it is back. It could be related to being home the last week and a half with us full time since school was closed (?). She went back to school this morning so maybe things will return to normal now.
Anyway, I hope everyone is having a happy new year.
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