Pregnancy and Adoption

Pregnancy and Adoption

Life isn't fair. We don't always get what we want. Some people get what they want without trying, and it can be hard.  Some people get things that they don't want/need and they throw them away. It can feel terrible knowing how little someone else respects what I value. There is no explaining or justifying why things happen the way they do. We won't ever get those answers, and as we move through our lives, I believe it is important to see the big picture and be where we are.

When I started my journey to having a child, I was very hopeful I would get pregnant.  It didn't happen. People around me continued to get pregnant, and although I was sometimes envious as hell, I was also so happy for the people who were getting their child because I new the child was a miracle. The child symbolized hope and brought forth a new little person to love and to cherish.  

Some people around us didn't get pregnant as they went in their personal journeys.  They had IVF and it did not work. Numerous times. It was heart breaking.  Marriages were shaky;some broke up & they decided it wasn't meant to be since they couldn't have kids together. Other friends got pregnant and then miscarried.  Even worse. I saw this and was scared. Some had IVF and it worked. Others did surrogate with success.

I realized i had a fertility problem in 2002.  After getting over my heart break at the likelihood of natural conception, it took another 7 years to get to the point where my husband agreed we could adopt.  It took a 6 months to find an agency and another year to do the paperwork and get the approvals. A year after that, we realized it was going to take 5-8 years to get a child from China (times had changed).  We considered special needs and were matched with a little boy.  He fell through because he was too sick to travel. It broke my heart.

After this, people in my life volunteered to do surrogate for us, because I was the problem in the reproduction arena.  They took back the offer after a few months when things got serious.  It destroyed me. Looking back, there is a black hole in my memory.

A few months aterwards, I had an intervention with a stranger in a courtyard at a church I had just started attending.  We both went to an early service that had been cancelled without notice. I hadn't really talked to anyone about it, and she helped me.  it was a chance meeting.

After that, I started to feel hope again that my child was out there.  We started working with a different adoption agency & started the paper chase again.  

Once we had finally got all our ducks in a row with the new agency, the original agency came through with Sofie.

Meanwhile, many friends & colleagues in my life got pregnant.  They are still getting pregnant - many of them having first children. Some had infertility issues.  Some got pregnant right away.  There is no rhyme or reason to it all,

Yes, sometimes I railed at the injustice of it all, but I am joyful that other people didn't have to suffer like I did. I am relieved that for many others, everything came together. I can see the beauty of pregnancy, and I am still amazed by the human body and how life propagates.  New people are created every day, and I marvel at how it all comes together.

It isn't fair that I won't get a child that is a mix of our DNA. I did get a child who has an amazing personality and loves me to death.  However, at the end of the day, it is my journey. Who knows? I might get pregnant yet someday without even trying.  I have stopped trying to explain why things happen and accept that this is what it is.

I love my friends and I truly feel joy for their joy with pregnancy.  I don't want to take away from their happiness.  Just because I haven't been pregnant, doesn't mean I can't be supportive and loving as always.

Not every option works for everyone. It's ok. We are in it together.  That's how I feel.

Some days

Today has been a mixed bag:
- Sofie helped blanch almonds (?!) for pepper spice cookies
- Sofie helped me out at the organic coop and helped pick out veggies and ate a whole apple with skin because she couldn't resist..
- Sofie swung across 4 rings at the playground (4!!! Like a pro. She is 3! And she can do monkey bars with full body weight! I had never seen that before)
- Sofie took full ownership of the "get well soon" balloons and played for 20 minutes
- she found her microphone and belted out many songs like a pro (and she regularly reenacts the music & moves from "Sofia the 1st - I'm not ready to be a princess. Did it twice)
- she cleaned up the explosion of toys she generated

These are all good things.

Now the ugly.  She refuses to take naps on weekends with us and had 3 ginormous temper tantrums... Over stupid stuff. She refused to put her shoes and socks on. She didn't like that Espen turned the volume down on the TV (I could here it outside in the front yard...). She didn't like the MickeyMouse episode I put on tv so we turned it off since she wouldn't stop screaming.  The tantrums went on for 30-45 minutes per pop. There was some serious angst. Her head was soaked with sweat for all of them. She was on the floor pounding fists and legs for one of them.  It is hard not to laugh. I wish she weren't so frustrated with us.  She isn't much of a temper tantrum kind of kid, but when she has them.

Wow. Today was a doozy. I am glad good things happened too.

Santa Claus is coming to town

This is officially our second Christmas with Sofie, but it is our first Christmas where she  kind of understands what is happening around her.  She helped me trim the tree, and she is fascinated with stories of Santa.  "Santa Claus is coming to town" is here favorite song at the moment. She also likes the story of Rudolph. We have a gingerbread Christmas puzzle. She is dying to make Christmas cookies with me.  Last week she helped me make an apple pie.  She is in happy anticipation of all the presents in Christmas day. We also have an elf on our shelf (Toodles) who is monitoring her every move and reporting back to the big man.

Despite our efforts, she is still a normal 3 year old with temper tantrums. She learned to whine within the last month at school and I have a feeling we will be hearing that for another 20 years. She is growing and developing and singing and dancing and drawing and writing and is just an amazing little girl.

I wish I could capture all her Sofie-ness to make sure I will remember it at a later date. Today she announced she is only a little bit of a friend with her classmate Sara. She is addicted to cheese sticks and almonds. She ate butternut squash ravioli, hotdogs and corn for dinner. Oh, and she had a beloved cheese stick.  She ate pumpkin bread and salmon yesterday (likes salmon and fish in general a lot).  She had a temper tantrum for 30 minutes this morning because she wanted to watch mickeymouse instead if putting on her shirt for school (her favorite maroon apple shirt).  Did I mention she is obsessed with almonds?  She ate her whole lunch today (2 peanut butter sandwiches on wheat, a banana, yogurt, fruit, almonds,  2 juice boxes, and a halloweeny treat). The letter of the week is "s". We were supposed to bring a picture of something that starts with "s" but I think we forgot. Her s's are looking and sounding good.

Her hair is long enough for pigtails, french braids, and a chignon if I had hairpins. It is still a little thin in the front, and she has heavy bangs.  She uses food as product in here hair (forgoes napkins) which provides extra textures and achieves great heights with natural product. The smell isn't the bestest. Hahahhas. Her eyes sparkle, and she never is still for a moment. Even in here sleep, here limbs are in constant movement. I don't know if it it bone growing or what, but that kid moves, she bounces. She leaps. She strides. She runs. She never meanders, walks, or grazes. She is a kid with purpose and innovation and creativity. She is a problem solver. She is amazing.

Hmmm

This week, Sofie has been pretending that she has a little sister named Baby.  She actually started pretending with her Dad when they were playing at the park.  He actually told me which is even more surprising given the general reluctance to add to the family in the first place.

Last year when we got her, I was ready to start working on #2 straight away.  Now, I am open to it but I try to imagine how it will work - and how the child would find us (China, US, Africa, somewhere else).  It is a little daunting to think about starting over again.  Also, I don't know what age we would start with... if we do a local adoption, we could get a little baby, and that would be interesting.  We were at the doctor last week and there was the cutest little African American 9-month-old baby you ever saw.

Part of me also is interested in getting an older child, but that would be hard too.  I don't know how it would work.  I know that getting older children can be pretty complicated and that many of them don't work out.  I have some colleagues at work who foster-to-adopt and it has been real hard for them.  They thought they had a child and then the parents wouldn't relinquish rights and it has been awful for them and the child.

What to do?

Marvel

The are many times that I know we got extremely lucky with our child. Today is one of them.  It just strikes me randomly, and I know I rhapsodize about her all the time, but I can't help it.

Sofie is so beautiful. Her inner light shines through. She is thoughtful and caring. She does random acts of kindness to us and the cats (and strangers). Last year, she was a big kiss blower - quite the hit at airports, supermarkets, and parks. This year, she is a hugged and kisser. Today after dinner, she came up to me and hugged me, kissed me, and told me she loved me.  It was so sweet.

Yesterday, she was loving all over Pita. She nuzzled her nose, caressed her face/ears, gave he sweet kisses and loved all over her.  She was so gentle and delicately touched her... So not a 3 year old thing.

She is a wily combination of her dad and me.  Her curiosity, love of music/dance, singlemindedness and independence all scream of me.  Her inability to watch tv unless there is total silence, throw random stuff, and grumpiness in the am are like her dad.

Being a mom has helped me frame gratitude in a whole new light. I know I am not the best mom but I do the best I can with her. I am thankful for every minute. I imagined life with a child, and it is amazing how close the picture was to my reality.  It is an amazing thing and I am so thankful.

Count down to gotcha day

Last year at this time, we were on a plane, headed to Beijing.  We thought we were ready to go, had everything we needed, and the excitement and anticipation was killing us.  I even brought my InStyle magazine so I could take pictures at the great wall.

We had thanksgiving dinner the week before since we had so much to be thankful for.  The house was clean. Her room was clean. Our neighbor was putting together furniture for her room while we traveled. I had just finished the mural.  My girlfriend was housesitting.

This is the anniversary of the beginning and the middle.  It signifies our growth, our love, our hope, and our belief that everything works out.  We boarded the plane out of the country as individuals and came back as a family.  It didn't matter that we didn't have the same blood, speak the same language, or live in a different country.  It didn't matter that our cultures were different.  It didn't matter that we had different needs.  We had love and an unspoken & unwavering understanding that everything would be fine.

One year later, I learned some Chinese. I can lift 35 pounds with one arm. I can deflect a temper tantrum 80% of the time. I am an artist, a teacher, a singer, curriculum director, snuggle buddy, friend, wife, crafter, ball tosser, dribbler, chef, laundress, leader, rock star, hero, princess, nail tech, groomer, stylist, driver, storyteller, decorator, maid...  And I occasionally work when I am not sick.

Journeys ... Sometimes you know when they are coming and not where they lead.  You stay on it because you love it.

Still sick

As I am nearing our 1 year anniversary of leaving for China, I am still sick.  This has been a beast - cold, bronchitis, pneumonia... I guess I have overdone it big time.

Sofie has been a trooper because her dad and I have both been sick.  I feel bad about not having enough activities for her to use up all her energy, but it will come eventually right?

So much has happened this year.  I am so glad overall that we got her.  It was worth every minute.  all the heartache we have had since has also been worth it.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

We are lucky to have her, and she is lucky to have us.